Social Anxiety and Shyness: Why It Happens and How to Build Confidence
Updated: 6 days ago
Social anxiety can make situations that seem perfectly ordinary to other people feel surprisingly difficult. Meeting someone new, joining a conversation, speaking in a group, answering the phone or simply walking into a room where you don't know many people can bring a rush of self-consciousness and worry.
You may find yourself wondering what other people think of you, worrying that you'll say something embarrassing or feeling as though everyone is noticing how uncomfortable you are.
I'm Sharon Shinwell, a UK clinical hypnotherapist, counsellor and clinical supervisor with more than 25 years' experience. Over the years, I've worked with many people who wanted to feel more comfortable and confident around others but found that social anxiety kept getting in the way.
One of the most important things to understand is that overcoming social anxiety doesn't mean changing your personality or becoming the most outgoing person in the room. It's about gradually reaching the point where anxiety no longer decides which conversations you have, which invitations you accept or which opportunities you avoid.
There are several approaches that may help, including cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), gradual exposure to feared situations, relaxation techniques, challenging anxious thoughts and, for some people, self-hypnosis. If you're unfamiliar with how hypnosis works, you can read my guide to self-hypnosis and how it may help
What Is Social Anxiety?
Social anxiety is more than occasionally feeling nervous or awkward around other people.
It involves a strong fear of social situations in which you believe you might be watched, judged, criticised or embarrassed. Sometimes the anxiety begins days before an event and continues long afterwards as you replay what happened in your mind.
Social anxiety can affect different people in very different ways. You might be comfortable with close friends but find strangers difficult. You might manage one-to-one conversations quite well but become anxious in groups. Or even everyday interactions may feel uncomfortable.
Common signs can include:
Worrying excessively before a social event or conversation
Replaying conversations afterwards and wondering whether you said something wrong
Avoiding eye contact
Finding it difficult to start conversations
Feeling very self-conscious when other people are watching you
Blushing, sweating, trembling or noticing your heart beating faster
Finding excuses to avoid social events
Staying quiet because you're frightened of saying the wrong thing
Feeling comfortable when somebody else starts a conversation but struggling to initiate one yourself
Not everyone experiences social anxiety in the same way, and experiencing some of these feelings doesn't necessarily mean you have a social anxiety disorder.
Shyness or Social Anxiety: What's the Difference?
Shyness and social anxiety can overlap, but they aren't necessarily the same thing.
A shy person may initially feel uncomfortable when meeting somebody new or entering an unfamiliar situation, but once they settle in they can often relax and enjoy themselves.
With social anxiety, the worry tends to be stronger and can begin well before the situation itself. You may imagine everything that could go wrong and then analyse the encounter afterwards.
Perhaps the most useful distinction is how much the anxiety affects your life.
If nervousness regularly stops you doing things you'd like to do, interferes with relationships or work, or causes you to avoid ordinary situations because you're frightened of being judged, it may have moved beyond everyday shyness.
It's also quite possible to appear confident while experiencing considerable anxiety inside. Someone may smile, chat and appear perfectly comfortable while privately questioning almost everything they say.
Why Does Social Anxiety Develop?
There isn't always one obvious cause.
For some people, earlier experiences may have played a part. Perhaps you were criticised, embarrassed, bullied or made to feel self-conscious when you were younger. You may have grown up feeling that you needed to be careful about what you said or did.
For others, there is no particular event they can identify. A naturally shy or cautious child may gradually become increasingly aware of how other people might see them.
What often matters is what happens after the anxiety begins.
Imagine you're about to walk into a busy room.
The situation itself becomes a trigger. Your mind may immediately predict:
Everyone will be looking at me.
I won't know what to say.
I'll make a fool of myself.
Your body responds to those thoughts as though something threatening is about to happen. Your heart may race, you may feel hot or shaky, and your attention turns inwards as you begin monitoring yourself.
That physical reaction can then seem like proof that something really is wrong.
You become even more anxious.
This is one reason social anxiety can feel so convincing even when there is no actual danger.
The Social Anxiety and Avoidance Cycle
Avoidance can unintentionally keep social anxiety going.
Suppose you're invited to a gathering and immediately feel anxious. You decide not to go.
Almost instantly, you feel relieved.
Unfortunately, your mind can learn the wrong lesson from that relief:
Not going kept me safe.
The next invitation may therefore feel even more threatening.
The pattern can become:
Anxiety → avoidance → relief → greater anxiety next time
The same thing can happen on a much smaller scale. You might avoid making a telephone call, asking a question, speaking in a meeting or starting a conversation.
Avoidance works wonderfully in the short term because it removes the anxiety.
The problem is that it also removes the opportunity to discover that you could have coped.
How to Overcome Social Anxiety
There isn't a single technique that works for everybody, and overcoming social anxiety usually happens gradually rather than through one dramatic breakthrough.
The aim isn't necessarily to eliminate every trace of nervousness. It's to become increasingly able to do the things you want to do even when some anxiety is present.
Here are several approaches that may help.
Start With Small Social Challenges
You don't need to begin by walking into a crowded party and introducing yourself to ten strangers.
Start with situations that feel only slightly uncomfortable.
You might:
Say hello or good morning to someone while you're out
Ask a shop assistant where something is
Make a brief comment while you're waiting in a queue
Ask somebody a simple question
Add one extra sentence when somebody starts a conversation with you
Gradually work towards initiating a short conversation yourself
Try to measure success by what you did, rather than how anxious you felt while doing it.
You can feel nervous and still succeed.
As smaller interactions become more familiar, gradually move towards situations you currently find more challenging.
Confidence often comes after you've done something several times and discovered that you can cope. Waiting until you feel completely confident before doing it can keep you waiting indefinitely.
Challenge What You Think Other People Are Thinking
Social anxiety often involves trying to predict what's happening inside somebody else's mind.
They think I'm boring.
They noticed I was nervous.
I sounded stupid.
They don't like me.
The difficulty is that these thoughts can begin to feel like facts when they're actually interpretations.
When you notice this happening, ask yourself:
What evidence do I actually have that this person is thinking that?
There may be another explanation.
Perhaps somebody who seemed distracted was thinking about something completely unrelated to you. Someone who didn't speak much might have been nervous themselves. A person who didn't immediately respond to you may simply have been tired or preoccupied.
You don't need to replace every anxious thought with an unrealistically positive one.
Instead, practise allowing for the possibility that you don't actually know what another person is thinking.
Stop Replaying Conversations Afterwards
For many people, social anxiety doesn't end when the social situation finishes.
The analysis begins.
Why did I say that?
Did I talk too much?
Did I seem awkward?
What did they mean by that look?
You know what you were thinking and feeling during the conversation, but you don't know what the other person was thinking. This can make your own anxiety seem much more noticeable than it probably was.
When you notice yourself conducting a post-mortem on an interaction, try asking:
Do I actually know something went badly, or am I assuming it did?
Would I judge somebody else this harshly for doing the same thing?
Is there another explanation for the other person's reaction?
Will this conversation matter to either of us in a week's time?
Then deliberately bring your attention back to what you're doing now.
The goal isn't to persuade yourself that every conversation went perfectly.
It didn't need to.
Everyone occasionally says something awkward, loses their train of thought or has a conversation that doesn't flow particularly well. Learning that these moments are tolerable can be surprisingly important.
Use Breathing and Relaxation to Settle Physical Anxiety
Social anxiety isn't only about thoughts. Your body can become involved too.
You may notice a racing heart, trembling, sweating, blushing, a tight stomach or rapid breathing.
Trying desperately to make these sensations disappear can sometimes make you even more aware of them.
Instead, practise slowing your breathing and allowing your body time to settle.
A simple approach is to breathe gently in, then allow the outward breath to be slightly longer. There's no need to take enormous breaths or force yourself to relax.
Relaxation techniques can be practised away from social situations too, so they become familiar rather than something you only attempt when you're already extremely anxious.
CBT and Social Anxiety
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is one of the established treatments for social anxiety.
CBT looks at the relationship between your thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
For example, if walking into a room triggers the thought Everyone is judging me, that thought can increase anxiety. The anxiety may then make you avoid the situation, which prevents you from discovering whether your prediction was actually true.
CBT can help you recognise these patterns, question unhelpful assumptions and gradually change the behaviours that may be keeping the anxiety going.
Treatment may also involve gradually facing situations you've been avoiding rather than trying to tackle everything at once.
If social anxiety is having a significant effect on your everyday life, your GP or a qualified mental health professional can help you explore appropriate treatment options.
Accept Support From Other People
You don't necessarily have to work on social anxiety entirely by yourself.
If there is somebody you trust, telling them that certain situations make you anxious can remove some of the pressure to pretend you're completely comfortable.
A supportive friend, partner or family member can sometimes help you take manageable steps into situations you've been avoiding.
The important distinction is between support and dependence.
Ideally, support helps you gradually become more confident doing things yourself rather than becoming something you feel unable to manage without.
Look After the Basics
Physical wellbeing can affect how manageable anxiety feels.
Regular activity can help reduce tension. It doesn't have to involve a gym; walking, swimming, gardening or anything else you enjoy can count.
Sleep is important too. When you're exhausted, anxious thoughts can feel harder to put into perspective.
It can also be useful to notice the effects of caffeine and alcohol. Too much caffeine may increase physical sensations such as shakiness or a racing heart. Alcohol can appear to make social situations easier initially, but relying on it for confidence can create additional problems.
None of this needs to become another list o
f things you must do perfectly.
Small, sustainable changes are enough.
Can Hypnosis Help With Social Anxiety?
Hypnosis may be a useful complementary approach for some people with social anxiety, particularly as a way of practising relaxation, changing habitual responses and mentally rehearsing social situations while feeling calmer.
During hypnosis, attention becomes more focused while the body is encouraged to relax. Suggestions and guided imagery can then be used to imagine responding differently to situations that would normally trigger anxiety.
For example, you might mentally rehearse:
Walking into a room feeling steadier
Meeting somebody new
Starting a conversation
Speaking comfortably in a small group
Remaining calmer when attention is on you
Allowing an imperfect conversation to simply pass
Feeling more comfortable being yourself around other people
In my work as a clinical hypnotherapist, I found this type of mental rehearsal particularly useful. The aim isn't to create a completely different personality. It's to help you become familiar with responding as a calmer, more confident version of yourself.
Self-hypnosis can also give you a regular opportunity to practise relaxation away from the situations you find difficult. If you'd like to try this approach at home, I've created a Social Anxiety Self-Hypnosis MP3 + eBook specifically to help you feel calmer, more comfortable and more confident in social situations.
It isn't a replacement for professional treatment where that is needed, and it shouldn't be viewed as an instant cure for social anxiety. It can, however, be one of several approaches used alongside gradual practical changes.
Self-Hypnosis for Social Anxiety and Shyness
If you'd like to explore this approach at home, I've created a Social Anxiety Self-Hypnosis MP3 with a companion eBook specifically for people who feel anxious, uncomfortable or overly self-conscious in social situations.
The hypnosis session guides you into relaxation before helping you mentally rehearse feeling calmer and more comfortable around other people.
The companion eBook gives you additional information and practical exercises to work with outside the hypnosis session.
Again, this isn't intended to replace professional treatment where that is needed. It's an additional resource you can use alongside the practical approaches discussed in this article.
When Should You Get Help for Social Anxiety?
Consider seeking professional support if social anxiety is causing significant distress, interfering with work or education, affecting relationships, or regularly stopping you doing things you want or need to do.
You can speak to your GP about the support and treatment available to you.
You don't need to wait until social anxiety has become completely overwhelming before asking for help.
Frequently Asked Questions About Social Anxiety
Can social anxiety go away?
Social anxiety can improve considerably. Progress is often gradual and may involve changing anxious thinking patterns, reducing avoidance and becoming more comfortable with social situations through repeated experience. Some people manage well with self-help strategies, while others benefit from professional treatment.
How can I calm social anxiety quickly?
Slowing your breathing, bringing your attention back to your surroundings rather than monitoring yourself, and reminding yourself that anxiety is uncomfortable rather than dangerous may help you manage a difficult moment. Longer-term improvement usually involves working on the patterns that cause and maintain the anxiety.
Does avoiding social situations make anxiety worse?
It can. Avoidance provides immediate relief, but that relief can reinforce the belief that the situation was dangerous or unmanageable. Gradually facing manageable social situations can give you opportunities to discover that you can cope.
Can you have social anxiety but appear confident?
Yes. Social anxiety isn't always obvious. Someone may appear friendly, talkative and confident while internally worrying about being judged or analysing everything they say.
Is shyness the same as social anxiety?
No. Shyness is a personality characteristic and doesn't necessarily cause significant problems. Social anxiety tends to involve stronger fear of judgement or embarrassment and may lead to avoidance or interfere with everyday life.
Can self-hypnosis help with social anxiety?
Self-hypnosis may help some people practise relaxation and mentally rehearse responding more calmly and confidently in social situations. It is best regarded as a complementary self-help approach rather than a replacement for appropriate professional treatment.
Becoming More Comfortable Being Yourself
Overcoming social anxiety isn't about becoming fearless.
Nor does it mean becoming louder, more extroverted or turning yourself into somebody you're not.
For many people, progress consists of much smaller changes: making the phone call you've been putting off, joining a conversation, accepting an invitation, asking a question or allowing yourself to speak without analysing every word afterwards.
Those small experiences matter because each one gives your mind new evidence.
You can feel anxious and still cope.
You can occasionally say the wrong thing and survive the embarrassment.
You can have an imperfect conversation without spending the rest of the day analysing it.
And gradually, situations that once felt threatening can begin to feel much more ordinary.
Social confidence isn't about becoming somebody else. It's about feeling comfortable enough to be yourself.
