How to Improve Self-Esteem and Build Self-Confidence
Do you find yourself questioning whether you're good enough?
Perhaps you compare yourself with other people, dismiss compliments, dwell on criticism or worry too much about what others think of you.
You may appear perfectly confident in some situations yet privately struggle with self-doubt. Or perhaps a lack of confidence stops you speaking up, pursuing opportunities, meeting new people or doing things you'd genuinely like to do.
Confidence and self-esteem affect far more of our lives than we sometimes realise. They can influence the relationships we choose, the opportunities we pursue and, perhaps most importantly, the way we speak to ourselves.
As a clinical hypnotherapist, counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 25 years' experience, I've worked with many people whose low self-esteem or lack of confidence has gradually made their world smaller.
The important thing to understand is that neither confidence nor self-esteem is fixed.
The thoughts and behaviours that keep them low can be recognised and changed.
If low confidence or self-esteem is already holding you back, I've created an Improve Confidence & Self-Esteem Self-Hypnosis MP3 specifically to help you reduce self-doubt, develop a more positive view of yourself and feel more confident in everyday situations.
What Is the Difference Between Confidence and Self-Esteem?
Confidence and self-esteem are closely connected, but they aren't quite the same thing.
Self-confidence is usually related to what you believe you can do.
You might feel confident driving, doing your job or talking to friends but become nervous when giving a presentation, attending an interview or walking into a room full of strangers.
Confidence can therefore vary enormously from one situation to another.
Self-esteem goes deeper.
It's about the value you place on yourself as a person.
Someone with healthy self-esteem doesn't necessarily think they're wonderful at everything. They can recognise weaknesses, make mistakes and experience rejection without automatically concluding that there's something fundamentally wrong with them.
Someone with low self-esteem may interpret those same experiences very differently.
A mistake becomes:
I'm useless.
Rejection becomes:
I'm not good enough.
Criticism becomes:
They've realised what I'm really like.
Understanding this difference matters because sometimes people try to build confidence while leaving the deeper beliefs about themselves untouched.
What Causes Low Self-Esteem?
Low self-esteem rarely develops because of one single event.
It often grows gradually from experiences and messages that have been repeated over time.
Perhaps you were criticised frequently when you were younger.
Maybe you were bullied, excluded or made to feel different.
You may have grown up believing that approval depended on achievement, appearance or behaving in a particular way.
Difficult relationships can also affect self-esteem, particularly when someone repeatedly criticises, controls, belittles or undermines you.
Sometimes there isn't an obvious cause at all.
You simply realise that somewhere along the way you've developed the habit of expecting less from yourself, doubting your decisions or assuming that other people are somehow more capable or deserving than you.
Whatever its origins, low self-esteem can become self-reinforcing.
You believe you're not good enough, so you avoid opportunities.
Because you avoid them, you don't get the experiences that might challenge that belief.
And the original belief survives.
Why Do I Have Such Low Confidence?
Confidence often develops through experience.
Think about something you now do without much thought.
Driving is a good example.
The first time you sat behind the wheel, there was an enormous amount to think about. Steering, mirrors, gears, pedals, other traffic and road signs all demanded conscious attention.
With experience, much of it became automatic.
Confidence developed after doing it repeatedly.
Yet when people lack confidence, they often wait for the process to happen the other way around.
I'll do it when I feel confident.
But if confidence comes partly from experience, waiting can keep you stuck.
You avoid speaking up because you don't feel confident.
You turn down the invitation.
You don't apply for the job.
You avoid the new activity.
You stay safely within what you already know.
That reduces anxiety temporarily, but it also prevents you discovering what you're capable of.
How Can I Improve My Self-Esteem?
Improving self-esteem doesn't mean convincing yourself that you're perfect.
It means developing a fairer and more balanced view of yourself.
Here are some useful places to begin.
Notice How You Speak to Yourself
Many people with low self-esteem have an internal commentary they would never use with another person.
That was stupid.
You always get things wrong.
Everyone else is better than you.
Why can't you just be normal?
When thoughts are repeated often enough, they can begin to sound like facts.
Start noticing them.
You don't have to replace every negative thought with an exaggerated positive affirmation.
If:
I'm useless at everything
doesn't realistically become:
I'm amazing at everything,
try something more believable:
I didn't handle that as well as I'd have liked, but that doesn't make me useless.
That's not pretending.
It's simply more accurate.
Stop Turning Mistakes Into Judgements About Yourself
Making a mistake means you made a mistake.
It doesn't mean you are a mistake.
This distinction sounds simple, but it's extremely important.
People with healthier self-esteem tend to separate behaviour from identity.
I handled that badly.
Someone with low self-esteem may turn the same event into:
I'm hopeless.
When something goes wrong, ask yourself:
Am I judging what happened, or am I judging myself as a person?
Allow Yourself to Accept Compliments
What happens when somebody says something nice about you?
Do you immediately explain it away?
They're only being polite.
Anyone could have done it.
It wasn't really that good.
If so, notice that you're filtering evidence.
Criticism is accepted immediately while praise is rejected.
You don't need to agree enthusiastically with every compliment.
Try simply saying:
Thank you.
And leave it there.
Notice Your Strengths as Well as Your Weaknesses
Low self-esteem creates selective attention.
You notice what you get wrong and overlook what you do well.
Try deliberately correcting that imbalance.
What qualities do other people appreciate in you?
What have you handled well?
What have you learned?
What difficult situations have you already come through?
What are you better at now than you were five years ago?
This isn't about boasting.
It's about allowing positive evidence into the picture as well.
How Can I Build Self-Confidence?
Confidence grows when you repeatedly show yourself that you can cope.
That doesn't mean throwing yourself into situations that terrify you.
It means gradually doing more of the things that lack of confidence currently prevents you from doing.
Start Smaller Than You Think You Need To
If you lack confidence socially, your first step doesn't have to be attending a large party alone.
It might be starting a short conversation with somebody you don't know particularly well.
If you lack confidence speaking in meetings, don't decide that next week you're going to deliver a twenty-minute presentation.
Your first step might simply be making one contribution.
Small successes matter because they give your brain new evidence:
I did it.
Confidence can then grow from experience rather than from trying to force yourself to feel confident beforehand.
Stop Waiting Until You Feel Ready
Feeling ready is useful when it happens.
But it isn't always necessary.
Many confident-looking people still experience nerves and uncertainty.
The difference is that they don't necessarily interpret those feelings as instructions to stop.
You can feel nervous and still act.
You can doubt yourself and still try.
You can feel uncomfortable and discover that you cope.
Sometimes confidence isn't:
I know I can do this.
It's:
I don't know exactly how this will go, but I trust myself to deal with it.
Stop Comparing Yourself With Other People
Comparison can destroy confidence remarkably quickly.
You see somebody who appears more successful, attractive, outgoing or accomplished and immediately use them as evidence against yourself.
But you're rarely making a fair comparison.
You see their visible strengths while knowing all your own doubts and insecurities.
You see the polished result rather than everything that came before it.
Social media can intensify this enormously because you're exposed to a constant stream of carefully selected achievements, photographs, holidays, relationships and lifestyles.
Ask yourself:
Does somebody else doing well actually mean I'm doing badly?
Usually, it doesn't.
Their success isn't evidence of your failure.
Let Go of Perfectionism
Perfectionism and low self-esteem often work together.
You set extremely high standards.
You struggle to meet them consistently because you're human.
Then you use that as evidence that you're not good enough.
Even success may not feel satisfying because your attention immediately moves to the next thing that needs improving.
Try replacing:
Was that perfect?
with:
Was that good enough for what was required?
Those are very different standards.
You can care about doing things well without making perfection the price of feeling okay about yourself.
Learn to Say No
Self-esteem also shows itself in the boundaries you set with other people.
If you constantly agree to things because you're frightened of disappointing someone, being disliked or appearing difficult, resentment can gradually build.
You don't have to become confrontational.
A simple:
I'm sorry, I can't do that.
may be enough.
You don't always need a lengthy explanation.
Every time you respect a reasonable boundary, you reinforce the idea that your needs matter too.
Don't Base Your Self-Worth on Other People's Approval
Wanting to be liked is perfectly normal.
The problem begins when your view of yourself changes according to other people's reactions.
Someone approves of you and you feel good.
Someone criticises you and your confidence collapses.
Someone doesn't reply to a message and you wonder what you've done wrong.
Someone seems distant and you assume you've upset them.
When your self-esteem depends heavily on external approval, other people effectively control how you feel about yourself.
You cannot control everybody's opinion of you.
And you don't need to.
A useful question is:
Do I actually respect the opinion of this person enough to let it determine how I feel about myself?
Sometimes the answer is no.
How Does Low Self-Esteem Affect Relationships?
Low self-esteem can have a powerful effect on relationships.
You may need frequent reassurance that you're loved.
You might worry that your partner will find somebody better.
You may tolerate behaviour you aren't happy with because you're frightened of being alone.
Or you may interpret perfectly ordinary situations as signs of rejection.
This can create a difficult cycle.
The more reassurance you seek, the more temporary the reassurance can become.
Building stronger self-esteem doesn't mean you stop caring about your relationship.
It means your entire sense of security doesn't have to depend on another person repeatedly proving your worth to you.
Build Confidence Through Everyday Actions
Confidence isn't only built through major achievements.
Small everyday actions matter.
Make the phone call you've been putting off.
Ask the question.
Wear the clothes you like.
Express an opinion.
Try something new.
Go somewhere alone.
Accept a compliment.
Say no when you genuinely mean no.
Apply for something even though you aren't certain you'll get it.
Each action sends a small message:
I can handle this.
Over time, those messages accumulate.
Can Positive Affirmations Improve Self-Esteem?
Affirmations can be useful, but they need to be believable.
If someone with very low self-esteem repeatedly says:
I'm the most confident person in the world,
their mind may immediately respond:
No, you're not.
That internal argument isn't particularly helpful.
More realistic statements often work better:
I'm learning to trust myself.
I don't have to be perfect to be worthwhile.
I can handle feeling nervous.
My opinion matters too.
I'm allowed to take up space.
I can learn from mistakes without attacking myself.
These aren't extravagant claims.
They're ideas your mind can begin to accept and reinforce.
Can Self-Hypnosis Help Improve Confidence and Self-Esteem?
Self-hypnosis can be useful because confidence isn't purely intellectual.
You may already know logically that you're capable.
You may know you shouldn't compare yourself with other people.
You may understand that one mistake doesn't define you.
And yet the old emotional response still appears automatically.
Hypnosis gives you an opportunity to work with those automatic patterns while you're relaxed and focused.
You can mentally rehearse situations in which you would normally doubt yourself and imagine responding differently.
That might mean seeing yourself:
speaking more confidently;
accepting a compliment;
walking into a room without worrying excessively about what everybody thinks;
expressing an opinion;
setting a boundary;
trying something new;
or responding to a mistake without immediately criticising yourself.
I've created my Improve Confidence & Self-Esteem Self-Hypnosis MP3 to help you work on these patterns in your own time.
The session is designed to help reduce self-doubt, encourage more positive self-talk and support a stronger sense of confidence and self-belief.
When Should I Consider Professional Help?
Low confidence and self-esteem are common, and there are many things you can do yourself to begin changing them.
But sometimes low self-esteem is connected with depression, anxiety, trauma, abusive relationships or other difficulties that need more individual support.
If the way you feel about yourself is causing significant distress or interfering with everyday life, consider speaking with your GP or an appropriately qualified mental-health professional.
Self-help doesn't have to mean doing everything alone.
Start by Changing One Thing
You don't need to transform your personality.
You don't need to become the loudest person in the room.
And you certainly don't need to believe you're better than everybody else.
Healthy confidence is quieter than that.
It's being able to think:
I may not get everything right, but I'll cope.
Healthy self-esteem is being able to think:
My mistakes and imperfections don't determine my worth.
Choose one small behaviour that your lack of confidence or self-esteem currently affects.
Then do something slightly different.
Speak when you'd normally stay quiet.
Accept the compliment instead of dismissing it.
Stop yourself halfway through an unnecessary apology.
Say no to something you don't want to do.
Apply for the opportunity.
Take the first small step.
You don't have to wait until you feel confident.
Sometimes taking the step is how confidence begins.
About Sharon Shinwell
I'm Sharon Shinwell, a UK clinical hypnotherapist, counsellor, psychotherapist and clinical supervisor with more than 25 years' professional experience.
Through Self Hypnosis UK, I create professionally guided self-hypnosis recordings designed to provide practical support for people who want to work on confidence, habits, thoughts and behaviours.
