Relationship Problems: How to Reconnect and Rebuild Your Relationship

Most relationships go through difficult periods. You may still love each other, yet find yourselves arguing over things that once wouldn't have mattered. Perhaps communication has become strained, affection has faded, trust has been damaged, or you've simply started to feel more like housemates than partners.

Sometimes there isn't one obvious problem at all. You just know that something between you doesn't feel the way it used to.

I've worked with couples and individuals as a relationship counsellor for more than 25 years, and one thing I've learned is that relationship difficulties rarely appear overnight. More often, small disappointments, misunderstandings and unresolved feelings gradually build up until both people become stuck in patterns that are difficult to change.

The encouraging part is that recognising those patterns can be the beginning of changing them.

If you both want some structured help working through your relationship at home, I've also created a Relationship Help Programme, combining guided therapeutic audio with a practical workbook you can complete together. But whether you use additional support or not, there is plenty you can start doing yourselves.

Why Do Relationships Start to Struggle?

People sometimes assume that if a relationship is difficult, they must have chosen the wrong person. Usually, it's much more complicated than that.

Relationships change because people change. Work, children, money, health, ageing, family responsibilities and countless other pressures can alter the way you relate to one another.

The habits you develop along the way matter too. Perhaps you've stopped really talking because every difficult conversation seems to become an argument. Maybe one of you withdraws while the other pushes harder for answers. Perhaps resentment has accumulated because problems are repeatedly brushed aside rather than resolved. Once a pattern becomes established, both people can end up reacting automatically. The question then becomes less about who is to blame and more about what keeps happening between us, and what can we do differently?

Communication Problems in Relationships

Communication is one of the most common issues I've encountered when working with couples.

Interestingly, many couples do communicate constantly. They discuss the children, shopping, work, appointments, bills and what needs doing around the house.

What disappears is the more personal communication.

How are you actually feeling? What have you been worrying about? What do you need from me? Is there something you've been reluctant to tell me?

When those conversations disappear, assumptions often take their place.

One partner assumes the other doesn't care. The other assumes they're constantly being criticised. Before long, both people are responding to what they think the other person means rather than what is actually being said.

Try Changing How Difficult Conversations Begin

If you need to raise something important, avoid beginning when either of you is already angry.

Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try something like, “There's something I'd really like us to talk about when we've got some time.”

That small change can make a surprisingly big difference because the other person is less likely to feel attacked before the conversation has even begun.

Stop Trying to Win the Argument

Arguments become particularly damaging when the objective changes from solving the problem to proving who is right. You may win the argument and still damage the relationship.

When disagreements become heated, people also start bringing in evidence from the past: “You did exactly the same thing last Christmas,” “You always do this,” or “You never think about me.”

Now you're no longer discussing today's problem. You're arguing about five years of accumulated grievances.

If you recognise this pattern, try asking yourselves: What are we actually trying to resolve here? Stay with that one issue. If something from the past genuinely needs addressing, give it a separate conversation rather than using it as ammunition.

Understanding What Your Partner Actually Needs

One of the difficulties in long-term relationships is that we often give our partner what we would want rather than what they need. For example, one person may show love by doing practical things. They work hard, sort out problems and make sure everything gets done. Their partner may appreciate all of that but desperately want affection, reassurance or simply more time together. Both can end up feeling unappreciated.

It's worth occasionally asking each other a very simple question:

“What would make you feel more loved or supported by me at the moment?”

Don't immediately defend yourself or explain why their answer is unreasonable. Just listen.

You might be surprised by what you hear.

When You Keep Having the Same Argument

Repeated arguments are often a sign that the surface issue isn't the real issue.

You may appear to be arguing about housework, money, family, sex or how much time somebody spends on their phone.

Underneath may be something quite different: “I don't feel important to you,” “I don't feel appreciated,” “I feel taken for granted,” “I don't feel secure,” or “I feel as though everything is my responsibility.” Try looking underneath the argument. What is each person actually feeling?

Understanding that doesn't automatically solve the disagreement, but it gives you a much better chance of dealing with the real problem.

Resentment Can Quietly Build

Resentment is particularly damaging because it doesn't always produce dramatic arguments.

Sometimes people simply stop trying. They stop asking for what they need because they've decided there's no point. Affection decreases. Conversations become functional. Small irritations become disproportionately annoying.

Eventually, one person says, “I don't know how we got here.”

Usually, there were lots of little steps.

If resentment has developed, don't try to resolve everything in one enormous conversation. Start by identifying one or two things that would make daily life between you feel better.

Small positive changes can create enough breathing room to tackle the bigger issues later.

Trust Problems in a Relationship

Trust isn't only about infidelity.

It can also be damaged by secrecy, broken promises, financial dishonesty, repeated unreliability or feeling that your partner doesn't support you when it matters.

Rebuilding trust takes time because reassurance alone isn't enough.

If someone says, “You just need to trust me,” that rarely helps.

Trust usually returns through consistent behaviour. Doing what you said you would do. Being open when it would be easier not to be. Allowing the other person time to regain confidence rather than demanding that they “get over it.”

If trust has been seriously damaged, both people need to decide whether they genuinely want to rebuild it. One person cannot repair a relationship alone.

Jealousy and Insecurity in Relationships

A little jealousy occasionally is human. Persistent jealousy is different.

It can lead to checking phones, questioning friendships, needing constant reassurance or interpreting innocent behaviour as evidence that something is wrong.

Although the jealous partner may believe the other person's behaviour is causing the problem, jealousy is often closely connected with insecurity, previous experiences or fear of abandonment.

Repeated reassurance may calm things temporarily, but if the underlying insecurity isn't addressed, the doubt tends to return.

The aim isn't to suppress every jealous feeling. It's to understand where it comes from and learn not to automatically act on it.

If insecurity rather than your partner's behaviour is at the heart of the problem, working on your own confidence and emotional security can be particularly helpful. I've created an Insecurities in Relationships Hypnosis MP3 specifically to help with the anxious thoughts and self-doubt that can make it difficult to feel secure within a relationship.

When Intimacy Has Changed

Physical intimacy naturally changes throughout a long relationship.

Stress, tiredness, children, health problems, medication, hormonal changes, body confidence and unresolved relationship difficulties can all play a part.

The biggest mistake is often avoiding the subject completely. The longer neither person talks about it, the more uncomfortable the subject can become.

Try taking pressure away from sex itself and talk instead about closeness.

Do you still touch? Do you hug? Do you spend time together without phones or television? Do you show affection without it automatically having to lead somewhere?

Rebuilding emotional and physical closeness often begins outside the bedroom.

Anxiety can also become part of the problem. Once one or both partners start worrying about intimacy or anticipating that something might go wrong, it's very easy for closeness to begin feeling pressured rather than natural.

For couples experiencing this, I've created an Intimacy Anxiety Hypnosis MP3 for Couples. It's designed to be listened to together and focuses on reducing anxiety and self-consciousness while encouraging relaxation, trust and emotional closeness.

Money and Outside Pressures

Some relationship problems don't originate within the relationship at all.

Financial worries, demanding jobs, caring responsibilities, difficult relatives or health concerns can leave both partners stressed and exhausted.

Unfortunately, the person closest to us often receives the worst of our frustration.

If outside pressure is affecting your relationship, try naming the problem as something you're dealing with together.

Instead of, “You're impossible at the moment,” it becomes, “We're both under a lot of pressure. How can we make things easier for each other?”

That creates a very different dynamic.

Have You Simply Stopped Spending Time Together?

Many couples gradually stop being a couple without noticing it happening.

Life becomes a list of responsibilities.

You don't necessarily need expensive dates or weekends away to change this. Go for a walk together. Have a coffee somewhere. Cook something together. Turn the television off and talk.

Even regularly setting aside half an hour without phones can make a difference.

The important part is giving each other attention that isn't competing with everything else.

A Simple Relationship Exercise to Try Together

Set aside around 20 minutes when you aren't likely to be interrupted.

Take turns completing these three sentences:

Something I appreciate about you is...

Something I miss about us is...

One thing I'd like us to do more of is...

The other person's job is simply to listen.

Don't correct their version of events. Don't explain why they're wrong. Don't immediately defend yourself. When both of you have finished, choose one small change you can make during the coming week. Not ten things. One. Then see what happens.

When Should You Consider Relationship Counselling?

There are times when outside help can be particularly valuable.

If every conversation becomes an argument, trust has been badly damaged, one or both of you are considering leaving, or you've repeatedly tried to resolve the same problems without getting anywhere, relationship counselling may help you understand what is keeping you stuck.

You don't have to wait until a relationship is on the verge of ending.

In fact, dealing with difficulties earlier is often much easier than waiting until years of resentment have accumulated.

If there is abuse, coercion, fear or controlling behaviour within a relationship, however, trying to resolve matters together at home may not be appropriate. Individual professional support should be considered.

Working on Your Relationship at Home

Not every couple is ready for counselling, and private relationship therapy can also be expensive.

That's one reason I created the Relationship Help Programme. It gives couples a structured way to begin working through common relationship difficulties privately at home.

The programme combines a professionally guided therapeutic audio session with a detailed relationship workbook containing exercises and discussion prompts you can work through together.

It isn't intended to replace professional relationship counselling where that is needed. Instead, it's designed to help couples understand some of the patterns affecting their relationship and begin making practical changes together.

Find out more about the Relationship Help Programme

Can a Struggling Relationship Become Good Again?

Yes, many can. But improvement usually requires more than simply deciding to “try harder.”

Both people need to be willing to look at their own part in what has happened, communicate more openly and make changes consistently rather than for a few days after an argument.

Sometimes the biggest improvement comes from surprisingly small changes: listening without immediately defending yourself, showing appreciation again, making time for each other, dealing with resentment rather than storing it up, or simply becoming curious about how your partner feels.

After more than 25 years working with relationship problems, I've seen how easily couples can become trapped in patterns neither of them really wants. I've also seen what can happen when those patterns begin to change. You don't necessarily need to fix everything at once. Start with one thing you could do differently today.

About Sharon Shinwell

Sharon Shinwell is a UK qualified Counsellor, Relationship Therapist, Clinical Hypnotherapist and Clinical Supervisor with more than 25 years' professional experience. She has worked extensively with individuals and couples experiencing relationship difficulties, anxiety, insecurity, loss of confidence and other emotional concerns.

Sharon is also the creator of the Self Hypnosis UK range of professionally produced self-hypnosis and guided relaxation recordings.