How to Control Anger: Anger Management Techniques That Can Help
Anger is a normal human emotion. We all experience it from time to time, particularly when we feel frustrated, criticised, ignored, treated unfairly or unable to control what's happening around us.
The problem isn't necessarily feeling angry. It's what happens when anger becomes difficult to control.
Perhaps you react much more strongly than you intended, say things you later regret or find yourself becoming irritated by relatively small things. You may keep your anger inside until something finally tips you over the edge, or find that the same arguments and frustrations happen again and again.
I'm Sharon Shinwell, a UK clinical hypnotherapist, counsellor and clinical supervisor with more than 25 years' experience. Over the years, I've worked with many people who wanted to understand their anger better and learn how to respond differently when something triggered it.
Learning to manage anger isn't about never becoming angry again. It's about recognising what's happening early enough to give yourself more choice over what happens next.
Why Do I Get Angry So Easily?
Sometimes the thing that triggers an angry reaction is obvious. At other times, the strength of the reaction can seem completely out of proportion to what has actually happened.
That's because anger isn't always just about the immediate situation.
Stress, tiredness, relationship difficulties, financial worries, feeling under pressure or dealing with several problems at once can all reduce your tolerance for frustration. Something relatively minor can then become the final straw.
Past experiences can also influence how we respond. If you've become accustomed to feeling criticised, dismissed, threatened or unheard, certain situations may trigger a particularly strong reaction.
It can be useful to ask yourself:
What was really happening just before I became angry?
Sometimes the answer isn't simply someone annoyed me. You may have felt embarrassed, rejected, disrespected, frightened, powerless or hurt.
Understanding what's underneath your anger doesn't excuse inappropriate behaviour. It simply gives you more information about what needs to change.
Understanding the Anger Cycle
Anger can happen extremely quickly, but there is usually a sequence taking place.
It might look something like this:
Trigger → interpretation → physical reaction → behaviour → consequences
Imagine somebody makes a critical comment.
The comment is the trigger.
You immediately think:
They're disrespecting me.
That's your interpretation.
Your body reacts. Your heart beats faster, your muscles tighten and you feel a surge of tension.
That's the physical response.
You raise your voice or say something hurtful.
That's the behaviour.
An argument follows and afterwards you regret what you said.
That's the consequence.
When this happens repeatedly, it can feel as though anger simply takes over.
Anger management is partly about learning to recognise that sequence before you reach the behaviour stage.
That's where you have the greatest opportunity to change what happens next.
Recognise Your Early Warning Signs
One of the most useful anger-management skills is learning to notice anger while it's still building.
Your body will often give you clues.
You might notice:
Your jaw tightening
Your shoulders becoming tense
Your heart beating faster
Feeling hot or flushed
Clenching your fists
Your breathing becoming quicker
A tight feeling in your chest or stomach
Your voice becoming louder
An urge to interrupt or argue
Thoughts becoming more extreme or hostile
These signs are useful.
Instead of seeing them simply as symptoms of anger, start treating them as an early warning system.
The sooner you recognise them, the easier it can be to interrupt your usual reaction.
Identify Your Anger Triggers
It can also help to notice whether particular situations repeatedly trigger your anger.
Perhaps it's feeling criticised.
Maybe it's being interrupted, running late, driving in traffic, dealing with certain family members, feeling that somebody isn't listening or believing that you're being taken for granted.
Try keeping a simple record for a week or two.
When you become angry, note:
What happened?
What were you thinking?
What did you feel physically?
What did you do?
What happened afterwards?
You may begin to notice patterns that aren't obvious when you're simply moving from one incident to the next.
Once you know your common triggers, you can begin preparing for them differently.
How to Control Anger in the Moment
When anger is already rising, trying to reason your way out of it isn't always easy.
Your first priority is often to create a little space between the feeling and your reaction.
Here are several approaches that may help.
Take a Time-Out
Walking away from an argument isn't necessarily avoiding the problem.
Sometimes it's the most sensible thing you can do.
If you can feel yourself becoming increasingly angry, say that you need a few minutes and will come back to the conversation.
The important part is coming back.
A time-out shouldn't become a way of refusing to deal with difficult issues. Its purpose is to allow the intensity to settle so that you can discuss the problem more constructively.
Even ten or fifteen minutes can sometimes make a considerable difference.
Slow Your Breathing
Anger affects the body as well as the mind.
Slowing your breathing can help reduce some of that physical arousal.
Try breathing gently in and allowing your outward breath to be slightly longer.
You don't need to take enormous breaths or force yourself to become calm instantly.
Simply slowing things down can give your body the message that it doesn't need to remain on such high alert.
Question Your First Interpretation
Anger can be intensified by what we tell ourselves about a situation.
Someone doesn't reply to your message.
They're deliberately ignoring me.
Someone disagrees with you.
They have no respect for me.
Someone makes a mistake.
They never listen.
These interpretations may sometimes be correct — but not always.
Before reacting, ask:
Do I know that's what they intended, or am I assuming it?
There may be another explanation.
This doesn't mean accepting poor behaviour or pretending something doesn't matter. It simply means checking whether your interpretation is making the situation even more inflammatory.
Be Careful With Words Like "Always" and "Never"
Angry thinking often becomes absolute.
You ALWAYS do this.
You NEVER listen.
Nobody EVER considers what I want.
These words tend to escalate arguments because the other person immediately starts defending themselves against the accusation.
Try focusing on the specific issue instead.
Rather than:
“You never listen to me.”
you might say:
“I didn't feel listened to when I was trying to explain what happened.”
You're still expressing the problem, but you're doing it in a way that gives the conversation a better chance of going somewhere useful.
Use Assertive Communication
Managing anger doesn't mean staying silent or allowing other people to treat you badly.
There is an important difference between being aggressive and being assertive.
Aggression attempts to overpower.
Assertiveness communicates clearly.
Try explaining:
What happened
How it affected you
What you need
What you'd like to happen differently
Keeping the conversation focused on the actual problem is much more productive than attacking somebody's character.
Don't Try to Win Every Argument
Arguments can quickly become less about solving the original problem and more about proving who is right.
Ask yourself:
What do I actually want from this conversation?
If the answer is an apology, a change in behaviour, greater understanding or a practical solution, shouting louder is unlikely to get you there.
Sometimes being able to say I can see why you thought that doesn't mean you're admitting you were wrong.
It simply means you're listening.
Exercise and Physical Activity
Anger can create a considerable amount of physical tension.
Exercise can provide a healthy outlet for some of that energy and may also help with general stress levels.
It doesn't need to involve an intensive workout.
Walking, swimming, cycling, gardening or another activity you enjoy can all help.
The important distinction is that exercise should be used to manage your overall physical and emotional state, rather than as a way of feeding angry thoughts while you exercise.
Look at Your General Stress Levels
Sometimes anger management needs to involve more than dealing with individual outbursts.
If you're constantly stressed, exhausted or overwhelmed, your tolerance may already be low before anything goes wrong.
Ask yourself whether there are pressures in your life that need attention.
Are you sleeping enough?
Are you constantly rushing?
Are you taking on too much?
Are there unresolved relationship or work problems?
Do you ever properly switch off?
Reducing some of the pressure in other areas of your life can sometimes make anger much easier to manage.
What About Bottling Up Anger?
Controlling anger doesn't mean suppressing it.
Trying never to show anger can create problems of its own.
You may remain silent about things that genuinely bother you, allow resentment to build and eventually react much more strongly than you otherwise would have done.
A healthier aim is to express anger appropriately.
That might mean having a difficult conversation, setting a boundary, saying no, explaining how something affected you or asking for a change.
The goal isn't to get rid of anger.
It's to use it as information without allowing it to dictate your behaviour.
Can Hypnosis Help With Anger Management?
Hypnosis may be a useful complementary approach for some people who want to manage anger more effectively.
When you're deeply relaxed and focused, you can mentally rehearse responding differently to situations that would normally trigger anger.
For example, you might imagine noticing those first signs of irritation, pausing before responding, allowing your body to settle and then dealing with the situation more calmly.
In my work as a clinical hypnotherapist, I found mental rehearsal useful because it gives you an opportunity to practise a different response before you're faced with the real situation.
The aim isn't to remove your ability to feel angry.
There will always be situations where anger is understandable.
Instead, the focus is on becoming better at recognising the feeling, remaining in control of your behaviour and responding in a way you're less likely to regret afterwards.
If you're unfamiliar with hypnosis and would like to understand how it works, you can read my guide to self-hypnosis and how it may help.
Self-Hypnosis for Anger Management
If you'd like to explore this approach at home, I've created an Anger Management Self-Hypnosis MP3 designed to help you practise responding more calmly to the situations that usually trigger frustration or anger.
During the hypnosis session, you're guided into relaxation before using suggestions and mental rehearsal to encourage calmer, more considered responses.
Self-hypnosis shouldn't be regarded as an instant cure, and it isn't a replacement for professional support where that is needed. It can, however, be one tool alongside the practical anger-management techniques discussed in this article.
When Should You Seek Help for Anger?
It's important to seek professional help if anger is regularly affecting your relationships, work or wellbeing, or if you feel unable to control your behaviour.
If you're worried that you might hurt yourself or somebody else, seek urgent professional help.
You can also speak to your GP about anger and the support available.
Asking for help doesn't mean you've failed to control yourself. Recognising that anger has become a problem and deciding to address it is an important first step.
Frequently Asked Questions About Anger Management
Why do I get angry so quickly?
Anger can be affected by stress, tiredness, past experiences, learned responses and the way you interpret what's happening around you. Identifying your personal triggers and early warning signs can help you understand why your anger escalates so quickly.
How can I control my anger immediately?
If possible, pause before responding. Slow your breathing, step away from the situation temporarily and give the physical intensity of the anger time to reduce. Once you're calmer, you can return to the problem and deal with it more constructively.
Is it unhealthy to feel angry?
No. Anger itself is a normal emotion. It can alert you to problems, unfairness or boundaries that have been crossed. The difficulty arises when anger becomes excessive, frequent or leads to behaviour that harms you or other people.
Does walking away from an argument help?
Temporarily stepping away can help if you feel yourself losing control. The key is to return to the issue once you've calmed down rather than using a time-out to permanently avoid difficult conversations.
Can hypnosis help control anger?
Hypnosis may help some people practise relaxation and mentally rehearse calmer responses to familiar anger triggers. It is best considered as one possible complementary approach rather than a replacement for appropriate professional help.
Can anger management really work?
People can learn to recognise triggers, understand their thinking patterns and change how they respond when anger begins to build. Progress doesn't necessarily mean never becoming angry; it means having greater control over what you do with that anger.
Taking Control of Your Anger
Anger is a normal emotion, and the aim of anger management isn't to stop yourself ever feeling angry. It's to understand what triggers your anger, recognise the warning signs earlier and give yourself more choice over how you respond.
That change rarely happens overnight. It often begins with small things: noticing tension before it becomes an outburst, questioning an angry assumption, taking a few minutes away from an argument or expressing what you need without attacking the other person.
The more you practise these skills, the easier it can become to respond rather than react automatically.
If anger has been causing problems in your relationships, work or everyday life, don't be discouraged by past reactions. What matters is beginning to recognise the patterns and finding healthier ways to deal with them.
You may not always be able to control what makes you angry, but you can become much better at controlling what happens next.
