How to Get Over a Breakup and Start Feeling Like Yourself Again
Updated: 1 day ago
A relationship breakup can affect far more than your relationship status.
You may lose the person you spoke to every day, the routines you shared, mutual friends, plans for the future and sometimes even your sense of who you are without them. If you're finding it difficult to let go of a relationship and your thoughts keep returning to your ex, I've created a Getting Over a Relationship Hypnosis Audio specifically to support this stage of moving on. The 17-minute session is designed to help you relax, reduce repetitive thinking and begin feeling more emotionally settled as you adjust to life after the relationship.
Then comes the pressure to move on.
Friends may tell you that you're better off without them. Someone suggests you start dating again. You see your ex apparently getting on with life and wonder why you're finding it so much harder.
But getting over a breakup isn't something you can complete according to a timetable.
I'm Sharon Shinwell, a relationship counsellor, psychotherapist and clinical hypnotherapist with more than 25 years' professional experience. During my years working with people experiencing relationship difficulties, I saw just how deeply the end of a relationship can affect someone — even when they were the person who decided to end it.
Moving on isn't about erasing somebody from your memory.
It's about gradually reaching the point where the relationship no longer dominates your thoughts, emotions and plans for the future.
Why Does a Breakup Hurt So Much?
When a relationship ends, you're not only losing a person.
You're often losing an entire version of your future.
Perhaps you imagined growing old together.
Maybe you planned holidays, a home, marriage or children.
Even fairly ordinary plans — what you would do at Christmas, where you would go next weekend, what you would have for dinner — suddenly disappear.
Your daily routines may also have revolved around the relationship.
The morning message.
The phone call after work.
Watching television together in the evening.
Seeing their family.
Going to the same places at weekends.
When all of that suddenly stops, the absence can feel enormous.
That's one reason why telling yourself to “just get over it” rarely helps.
There is quite a lot to adjust to.
How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup?
There is no reliable formula.
A six-month relationship can sometimes be harder to recover from than a relationship that lasted years.
It depends on what the relationship meant to you, how it ended, whether you wanted it to end, what else is happening in your life and the emotional circumstances surrounding the breakup.
Try not to measure your recovery against somebody else's.
And be particularly careful about measuring it against your ex.
The fact that they appear to be coping well doesn't tell you what they're feeling privately.
Nor does it mean you should be at the same stage.
Healing After a Breakup Isn't a Straight Line
You can have three good weeks and then suddenly have a terrible day.
A song comes on.
You pass somewhere you used to visit together.
A photograph appears unexpectedly.
You hear that your ex is seeing somebody new.
Suddenly the feelings return.
That doesn't mean you're back at the beginning.
Recovery tends to happen unevenly.
Over time, the difficult periods usually become less frequent and less intense.
Eventually you realise that something which would once have ruined your entire day now only upset you for half an hour.
That's progress too.
Should You Stay in Contact With Your Ex?
There isn't one answer that works for everybody.
If you have children together, shared responsibilities or practical matters to resolve, some contact may be unavoidable.
But if you're repeatedly contacting your ex because you're struggling to tolerate the separation, ask yourself what happens afterwards.
Do you actually feel better?
Or do you get a few minutes of relief followed by several hours of analysing what they said, how they sounded and whether their message means they might want you back?
Sometimes a period with little or no contact gives emotions the opportunity to settle.
That isn't about punishing your ex.
It's about giving yourself enough space to begin adjusting to life without the relationship.
Should You Stay Friends After a Breakup?
“Let's still be friends” sounds mature and reassuring.
Sometimes it genuinely works.
But friendship immediately after a breakup can become extremely painful when one person secretly hopes the relationship will restart.
Ask yourself whether you genuinely want friendship or whether friendship is simply the only way you can think of to keep that person in your life.
How would you feel if your ex told you about somebody they had started dating?
If the answer is devastated, friendship may be something to consider much later rather than immediately.
You don't have to decide forever.
“I can't be your friend at the moment” is a perfectly reasonable boundary.
Stop Checking Their Social Media
This is one of the biggest difficulties after a modern breakup.
Years ago, once a relationship ended, you didn't necessarily know what your former partner was doing every day.
Now you can potentially find out within seconds.
Where they've been.
Who they're following.
Who liked their photograph.
Whether they've been online.
Whether a particular person keeps commenting.
And perhaps whether they've started seeing somebody else.
Every check can reopen the emotional wound.
Social media also gives you fragments of information without context, leaving your mind to create the rest of the story.
If checking your ex's accounts repeatedly leaves you distressed, consider muting, unfollowing or temporarily blocking them.
You don't need constant access to their life in order to move forward with yours.
Stop Looking for Hidden Meaning in Everything
After a breakup, even a very ordinary message can become material for hours of analysis.
“Hope you're doing okay.”
What does that mean?
Do they miss me?
Are they regretting the breakup?
Are they testing whether I'm still interested?
Should I reply immediately?
Should I wait?
Sometimes a message is simply a message.
If the relationship is genuinely going to restart, it will eventually require something much clearer than interpreting punctuation, response times or social media activity.
Try not to build your emotional future around clues.
What If You Can't Stop Thinking About Your Ex?
This is extremely common.
Your mind may replay conversations, arguments and memories.
You might imagine different versions of what you should have said.
You may repeatedly ask yourself:
What went wrong?
Could I have prevented it?
Do they still love me?
Will they come back?
Some reflection can help you understand what happened.
But there comes a point where reflection becomes rumination — repeating the same thoughts without discovering anything new.
When you notice this happening, ask yourself:
Am I actually solving something, or am I replaying it?
If there's nothing new to resolve, gently bring your attention back to what you're doing now.
You won't succeed every time.
That's fine.
The aim isn't never to think about your ex again. It's to stop giving every thought unlimited attention.
What If You Keep Remembering Only the Good Times?
This often happens when we're lonely.
The mind produces the highlights.
The holiday.
The laughter.
The affectionate messages.
The evenings when everything felt easy.
It may conveniently leave out the arguments, incompatibilities, disappointments or reasons the relationship ended.
You don't need to turn your ex into a terrible person in order to move on.
But try to remember the whole relationship, rather than an edited version created by loneliness.
Missing somebody doesn't automatically mean you should be with them.
Should I Try to Get My Ex Back?
Sometimes couples do reconcile successfully.
But wanting somebody back immediately after a breakup doesn't necessarily mean restarting the relationship is the right decision.
Ask yourself:
What would actually be different?
If the problem that ended the relationship still exists, getting back together may simply postpone another breakup.
Look beyond how much you miss them.
What caused the relationship to end?
Has anything genuinely changed?
Would both of you need to behave differently?
Are both of you willing to do that?
Reconciliation needs more than loneliness and nostalgia.
What If Your Ex Has Already Moved On?
Discovering that an ex is dating someone else can be extremely painful.
Even if you knew the relationship was over, it can make the ending suddenly feel more final.
Try not to turn their new relationship into a comparison between you and the other person.
You don't know what that relationship is like from the inside.
You also don't know whether it will last.
Most importantly, their new relationship isn't a judgement on your value.
Your task now isn't to compete with their future.
It's to begin creating your own.
Allow Yourself to Grieve Without Living There
Sadness after a breakup is normal.
You don't need to pretend you're fine when you're not.
Cry if you need to.
Talk to somebody you trust.
Have the occasional miserable evening.
But there's a difference between allowing yourself to feel something and gradually organising your entire life around the loss.
Eventually, recovery also requires movement.
Get dressed.
Leave the house.
See somebody.
Cook something.
Walk somewhere.
Make a plan.
Small actions matter because they begin reconnecting you with a life that exists outside the relationship.
Rebuild Your Daily Routine
Breakups leave gaps.
If you always spent Saturday with your partner, Saturday can suddenly feel endless.
If you spoke every evening, evenings can become the hardest part of the day.
Don't expect those gaps to fill themselves.
Create new routines deliberately.
Arrange to see a friend.
Start walking in the evening.
Return to something you stopped doing during the relationship.
Plan something for the weekend.
You aren't trying to keep yourself frantically busy so you never feel anything.
You're reminding yourself that your life still contains structure, purpose and possibility.
Rediscover Who You Are Outside the Relationship
Long relationships often create a shared identity.
We like this.
We go there.
We spend Sundays doing that.
After a breakup, becoming I again can feel strange.
But it can also eventually become liberating.
Think about things that belonged to you before the relationship.
Interests you neglected.
Friends you saw less often.
Places you wanted to visit.
Things your partner didn't enjoy but you did.
You don't need to reinvent yourself.
You may simply need to rediscover parts of yourself that became quieter while you were part of a couple.
Don't Rush Into Another Relationship Just to Stop Feeling Lonely
A new relationship can provide excitement, distraction and reassurance that somebody still finds you attractive.
But those aren't always good reasons to begin one.
There's no compulsory waiting period after a breakup.
Some people genuinely are ready sooner than others.
The important question is whether you're interested in getting to know somebody new or mainly looking for somebody to remove the pain created by the person you've lost.
A new partner shouldn't have to compete constantly with your ex or repair your self-esteem for you.
How Do You Know When You're Ready to Date Again?
You don't need to have forgotten your ex completely.
But some useful signs include:
you can think about the previous relationship without becoming overwhelmed every time
you're interested in another person for who they are, rather than because they're available
you're not dating primarily to make your ex jealous
you aren't comparing every potential partner with your ex
being single no longer feels like an emergency
you're beginning to feel curious about what comes next
Dating should begin to feel like an opportunity rather than an escape route.
If the idea of meeting someone new makes you nervous after time away from dating, I've also written about how to become more confident when dating.
What If the Breakup Has Damaged Your Confidence?
Rejection can make people question themselves.
Was I not attractive enough?
Was I too difficult?
Will anybody else want me?
Try to separate the end of one relationship from your worth as a person.
Relationships end for complicated reasons.
Sometimes two decent people simply aren't right together.
Sometimes circumstances change.
Sometimes one person behaves badly.
Sometimes both people contribute to problems.
You can learn from your part in what happened without turning the breakup into evidence that there is something fundamentally wrong with you.
What If the Breakup Followed Infidelity?
Recovering can be particularly difficult when the relationship ended because somebody was unfaithful.
Now you're dealing not only with loss but potentially anger, humiliation, broken trust and questions about what was real.
You may also find yourself comparing yourself with the other person.
If infidelity was involved, I've written separately about rebuilding trust after an affair and deciding whether a relationship can recover.
Even if your relationship has ended, understanding the emotional effects of betrayal can help you make sense of why moving forward feels so difficult.
Can Self-Hypnosis Help After a Breakup?
Sometimes the hardest part isn't understanding what you need to do.
It's quietening the emotional and mental patterns that keep pulling you backwards.
You know checking their social media isn't helping, but you still want to check.
You know replaying the final argument won't change it, but your mind returns there anyway.
You know the relationship is over, but part of you is still struggling to accept it.
Self-hypnosis is one approach some people use to relax, reduce repetitive thinking and mentally rehearse responding differently to emotional triggers.
I've created my Relationship Breakup Hypnosis MP3 specifically to support people dealing with the emotional aftermath of a relationship ending.
The aim isn't to make you forget somebody or suddenly stop caring.
It's to support the process of letting go, regaining emotional balance and beginning to look towards your own future again.
You can also explore my wider range of Relationship Self-Hypnosis MP3 Downloads for support with areas including confidence, insecurity, jealousy, intimacy and relationship difficulties.
When Should You Seek More Support?
Most people experience a period of sadness and emotional upheaval after a significant relationship ends.
But sometimes additional support is needed.
Consider speaking to your GP or a qualified mental health professional if your distress is becoming overwhelming, isn't beginning to ease with time, or is seriously affecting your ability to sleep, eat, work or manage everyday life.
If you feel unable to keep yourself safe, seek urgent professional help.
Getting support doesn't mean you're taking the breakup unusually badly.
Sometimes a relationship ending brings other difficulties to the surface, and you don't have to work through all of them alone.
What Moving On After a Breakup Actually Looks Like
Moving on usually isn't a dramatic moment when you suddenly realise you're completely over your ex.
It's quieter than that.
One morning you realise they weren't your first thought.
You hear a song that once upset you and it doesn't have the same effect.
You make plans for next summer and don't automatically imagine them being there.
You realise you haven't checked their social media for weeks.
You meet somebody and become interested in them without comparing them with your ex.
Gradually, the relationship becomes part of your past rather than the centre of your present.
Final Thoughts
If you're wondering how to move on after a breakup, don't make your first goal forgetting your ex.
Start smaller.
Give yourself some distance.
Stop repeatedly checking what they're doing.
Notice when reflection turns into rumination.
Rebuild your routines.
Reconnect with people and interests that belong to you.
Allow yourself to miss the relationship without automatically deciding that means you should return to it.
And don't judge your progress by somebody else's timetable.
During my years as a relationship counsellor, I saw people recover from relationships they once believed they would never get over.
It rarely happened overnight.
It happened gradually, as the old relationship occupied less space and their own life began occupying more.
Eventually, you don't have to force yourself to feel like yourself again.
You simply begin to notice that you do.
