Dating Anxiety: How to Feel More Confident When Dating
Updated: Sep 10
Dating is supposed to be exciting, but for many people it feels anything but.
You may worry about what to say, whether the other person will like you, how you look, whether there will be awkward silences or what you'll do if the date simply doesn't go well.
And modern dating has brought another layer of pressure. Dating apps can introduce you to people you would never otherwise meet, but they can also expose you to rejection, ghosting, comparison and the feeling that everyone is constantly looking for somebody better.
I'm Sharon Shinwell, a relationship counsellor, psychotherapist and clinical hypnotherapist with more than 25 years' professional experience. During my years working with people experiencing relationship difficulties, I've seen how easily dating can bring existing insecurities to the surface.
The good news is that dating confidence isn't something you either have or don't have.
It can be developed.
And becoming more confident when dating doesn't mean turning yourself into the loudest or most outgoing person in the room. It means becoming comfortable enough with yourself that you don't feel you have to perform, impress or pretend to be somebody you're not.
If dating anxiety is making it difficult to relax and be yourself, I've created a Dating Confidence Self-Hypnosis MP3 specifically to help you reduce nervousness, quieten self-doubt and feel more comfortable and confident when meeting someone new.
Why Does Dating Make Me So Nervous?
Dating involves uncertainty.
You don't know whether the other person will like you.
You don't know whether you'll like them.
You can't predict whether conversation will flow naturally or whether there will be chemistry between you.
If you're already prone to self-doubt, your mind may try to deal with that uncertainty by preparing for everything that could possibly go wrong.
What if they don't find me attractive?
What if I run out of things to say?
What if they think I'm boring?
What if I like them and they don't like me?
Before you've even arrived at the date, you've mentally experienced rejection several times.
It's hardly surprising that you feel nervous.
Dating Confidence Isn't About Being Extroverted
One of the biggest misconceptions about confidence is that confident people are naturally outgoing.
They aren't necessarily.
You can be quiet, thoughtful or introverted and still be very confident.
Dating confidence is much more about being comfortable with who you are.
Instead of asking:
“How can I make this person like me?”
try changing the question to:
“Do I like this person, and do I enjoy being with them?”
That small shift can change the whole experience.
A date isn't an audition in which one person judges whether the other is good enough.
You're both finding out whether you enjoy each other's company.
Stop Trying to Be Impressive
When people feel nervous, they sometimes create an imaginary version of the person they think they should be.
More interesting.
More successful.
More confident.
More adventurous.
More knowledgeable.
The problem is that trying to maintain this version of yourself creates even more pressure.
You start monitoring everything you say.
Was that funny enough?
Did I talk too much?
Should I have said that?
Do I sound boring?
You're no longer having a conversation. You're reviewing your own performance while you're still giving it.
Try allowing the other person to meet the real you.
You don't need to be impressive.
You need to be present.
How to Calm First-Date Nerves
Some nervousness before a date is completely normal.
You're meeting someone you don't know well and there's an element of uncertainty involved.
Rather than trying to eliminate every trace of nervousness, concentrate on keeping it in perspective.
Before the date:
give yourself plenty of time so you're not rushing
wear something you already know you feel comfortable in
avoid mentally rehearsing every possible conversation
remind yourself that the other person may be nervous too
don't make the date responsible for your entire romantic future
You're meeting one person.
That's all.
You don't need to decide whether they're your future partner before you've ordered a drink.
Be Curious Rather Than Self-Conscious
One of the simplest ways to reduce self-consciousness is to move some of your attention away from yourself.
Become interested in the person sitting opposite you.
Ask questions because you genuinely want to know the answers.
Listen rather than preparing what you're going to say next.
Notice whether they ask questions about you too.
Do they listen?
Are they interested?
Do you feel comfortable around them?
Dating becomes much easier when you're evaluating compatibility rather than constantly evaluating yourself.
What If There Are Awkward Silences?
There probably will be occasionally.
That doesn't mean the date is a disaster.
People pause during ordinary conversations all the time. It only feels particularly significant on a date because you're paying so much attention to it.
If conversation briefly dries up, you don't need to panic and fill every second.
Take a sip of your drink.
Smile.
Ask something you're genuinely curious about.
Then continue.
A few seconds of silence doesn't determine whether two people are compatible.
How to Be More Confident With Online Dating
Online dating has changed enormously over the years.
For some people it opens up opportunities that simply wouldn't exist otherwise.
You can meet people outside your workplace, friendship group or immediate area. You can often learn something about someone's interests and circumstances before deciding whether you'd like to speak to them.
It can be particularly helpful if your social circle is small or you don't naturally meet many potential partners through everyday life.
But online dating has disadvantages too, and understanding them can help protect your confidence.
The Advantages of Online Dating
One of the obvious advantages is choice.
You're no longer restricted to people you happen to meet socially.
It can also allow you to take things at your own pace. You can exchange a few messages before deciding whether you want to meet.
Profiles may help you identify obvious areas of compatibility or incompatibility early on.
And for somebody returning to dating after many years, an app can provide a relatively straightforward way to begin meeting people again.
But more choice isn't always better.
When Online Dating Starts Affecting Your Confidence
Dating apps can sometimes make relationships feel like shopping.
You look at a photograph.
Swipe.
Read a few lines.
Make a judgement.
Move on.
When you're on the receiving end of that process, it's easy to take rejection personally.
You might begin thinking:
Why isn't anybody choosing me?
What's wrong with my profile?
Am I too old?
Am I not attractive enough?
Remember that somebody swiping past your profile knows almost nothing about you.
Their decision may be based on age, distance, circumstances, one photograph or simply a preference you could never have predicted.
It isn't a meaningful assessment of your value as a person.
Don't Let Matches Become a Measure of Your Worth
Dating apps are designed around repeated decisions and responses.
Matches can feel rewarding.
A lack of matches can feel disappointing.
That makes it very easy to start using the app as a measure of how attractive or desirable you are.
Try not to.
Your self-esteem shouldn't rise and fall according to how many strangers interact with your profile.
If you notice yourself checking constantly, becoming increasingly discouraged or comparing yourself with other people, take a break.
Dating should be one part of your life.
It shouldn't become the place where you go to discover how you should feel about yourself.
What Is Ghosting and Why Does It Hurt?
Ghosting — when someone suddenly stops communicating without explanation — has become a familiar part of online dating.
It can be surprisingly upsetting.
When someone simply disappears, your mind tries to fill in the missing explanation.
Did I say something wrong?
Was I too keen?
Did they meet somebody better?
Sometimes you'll never know.
That lack of closure can be uncomfortable, but try not to create an explanation that automatically makes you the problem.
Their behaviour tells you something about how they chose to communicate.
It doesn't tell you your worth.
Be Careful About Creating a Relationship Before You've Met
This is another trap I've seen people fall into.
You match with someone.
The messages are wonderful.
You're exchanging messages throughout the day.
You begin sharing personal details.
Perhaps you're speaking on the phone every evening.
Before you've actually met, you've begun imagining where the relationship might lead.
Then you meet and there simply isn't a connection.
Try to keep online communication in perspective.
Until you've spent time together in the real world, you're getting to know only part of that person.
A promising conversation is just that — promising.
Allow the relationship to develop through real experiences rather than building too much around an online connection.
Staying Safe When Dating Online
Confidence should never mean ignoring sensible caution.
Most people using dating apps are simply hoping to meet somebody, but you still don't know a stranger simply because you've exchanged messages.
When meeting someone for the first time:
meet somewhere public
tell a friend or family member where you're going
arrange your own transport
avoid giving out unnecessary personal information too quickly
be cautious if somebody pushes you to move away from the dating platform immediately
never send money to somebody you've met through a dating app
be wary of stories designed to create urgency, sympathy or financial pressure
trust your judgement if something doesn't feel right
You don't owe somebody a date simply because you've been talking to them.
And once you're on a date, you're allowed to leave.
Being polite doesn't require you to ignore your own safety or boundaries.
Watch for Behaviour That Doesn't Feel Right
Sometimes people dismiss early warning signs because they desperately want a new relationship to work.
Be cautious if somebody:
repeatedly ignores your boundaries
pressures you sexually
becomes possessive very quickly
wants to know where you are constantly
tries to isolate you from friends or family
tells inconsistent stories
becomes angry when you don't respond immediately
pushes for commitment before you know each other properly
continually makes you feel uncomfortable or guilty
Confidence includes trusting yourself enough to walk away from somebody who doesn't feel right.
The aim isn't simply to get into a relationship.
It's to find a relationship that is healthy for you.
Dating Again After a Long Relationship
Returning to dating after a marriage or long-term relationship can feel particularly daunting.
The whole dating world may have changed since you were last single.
You may never have used dating apps before.
You may feel older, less confident about your appearance or uncertain about the unwritten rules of modern dating.
Give yourself permission to be inexperienced.
You don't need to become an expert in modern dating overnight.
Start slowly.
You may even find that some of the things you worry about — your age, your history, having children, having been divorced — are completely ordinary to the people you're meeting.
Dating After a Difficult Relationship
A previous relationship can affect how you approach a new one.
If you've experienced rejection, betrayal, criticism or a painful breakup, you may carry some of that fear into dating.
You might become overly alert for signs that somebody will hurt you.
Or you might protect yourself by never allowing anyone to get particularly close.
The challenge is to learn from previous relationships without making a new person responsible for what somebody else did.
If you're still struggling emotionally after a previous relationship ended, it may be worth giving yourself more time before putting pressure on yourself to find somebody new.
What If You're Worried About Your Appearance?
Appearance is one of the biggest sources of dating anxiety.
People often imagine that everybody else in the dating world is younger, slimmer, fitter or more attractive.
But attraction is far more individual than that.
Most of us don't choose partners from a checklist of perfect physical features.
We're drawn to expressions, humour, warmth, personality, mannerisms, conversation and the way somebody makes us feel.
Take reasonable care of your appearance, certainly.
Wear something that makes you feel good.
But don't wait until you've somehow achieved physical perfection before allowing yourself to date.
You could be waiting forever.
What If a Date Doesn't Go Well?
Then it didn't go well.
That's disappointing, but it isn't a verdict on you.
Sometimes two perfectly pleasant people have no chemistry.
Sometimes conversation doesn't flow.
Sometimes one person is interested and the other isn't.
Sometimes both people realise fairly quickly that they're not compatible.
Successful dating isn't about making every date turn into a relationship.
It's about meeting people until you find somebody with whom there is mutual interest and compatibility.
A date that establishes you're wrong for each other has still given you useful information.
How to Handle Rejection When Dating
Rejection is difficult because it can feel personal.
But dating inevitably involves some rejection.
You won't want a relationship with everyone you meet, and not everyone you meet will want one with you.
Try separating:
“This person doesn't want to continue dating me”
from:
“Nobody will ever want me.”
Those are completely different statements.
One is about compatibility between two people.
The other is a judgement about your entire future based on one experience.
Don't Chase Someone Who Isn't Interested
Dating confidence also means recognising when interest isn't mutual.
If you're always initiating contact, repeatedly waiting for replies or trying to persuade somebody to see you again, stop and look at what's happening.
A healthy beginning usually involves some degree of mutual effort.
You shouldn't have to convince somebody to be interested in you.
Walking away from somebody who isn't offering what you need isn't failure.
Sometimes it's one of the clearest signs of self-respect.
Build a Life You Like Outside Dating
This is one of the most important things you can do.
Keep seeing friends.
Continue your interests.
Make plans.
Exercise if you enjoy it.
Travel.
Learn things.
Do things that make your life interesting to you.
Don't put your life on hold while you wait for a relationship to begin.
Apart from protecting your confidence, having your own satisfying life can make dating healthier because you're looking for somebody to add to your life, rather than somebody who has to become your entire life.
How Self-Hypnosis May Help With Dating Confidence
Sometimes you understand all of this logically and still feel intensely nervous when it comes to dating.
That's where working on the underlying pattern can be useful.
Self-hypnosis is one approach that some people use to relax, reduce unhelpful self-talk and mentally rehearse approaching situations more calmly and confidently.
I've created a Dating Confidence Hypnosis MP3 specifically for people who find that nerves, self-doubt or fear of rejection get in the way of enjoying dating.
Rather than trying to turn you into somebody you're not, the aim is to help you approach meeting new people feeling calmer and more comfortable in yourself.
If you'd like to explore other areas affecting relationships, you can also browse my Relationship Self-Hypnosis MP3 Downloads, covering subjects including insecurity, jealousy, intimacy, communication and relationship difficulties.
When Dating Anxiety Is More Than Ordinary Nerves
Feeling nervous before a date is normal.
But if anxiety is preventing you from dating altogether, causing panic, seriously affecting your self-esteem or becoming part of a wider pattern of anxiety, it may be worth talking to your GP or a qualified mental health professional.
Similarly, if previous abusive or traumatic relationships are affecting your ability to feel safe with new people, professional support may be more appropriate than simply trying to push yourself back into dating.
There's no deadline.
Final Thoughts
If you want to become more confident when dating, don't begin by asking how you can make everybody like you.
You can't.
And you don't need to.
Instead, work towards becoming comfortable enough with yourself that you can meet somebody and think:
“Let's see whether we like each other.”
Use online dating as a way of meeting people, not as a measure of your worth.
Treat rejection as part of finding compatibility rather than evidence that something is wrong with you.
Keep your own life.
Protect your boundaries.
Take sensible precautions.
And don't be afraid to walk away when something doesn't feel right.
Dating confidence isn't about knowing that every date will go well.
It's knowing that you'll be okay even when one doesn't.
