Intimacy Anxiety: Why It Happens and How Couples Can Overcome It

Intimacy anxiety is something that many couples find difficult to talk about. You may still love and feel attracted to each other, yet when it comes to being physically close, worry, tension or overthinking somehow gets in the way.

During my years working as a relationship counsellor, I helped many people who were experiencing difficulties with intimacy. One thing I learned very quickly was that these problems rarely exist in isolation. What begins as one anxious experience can gradually become something both partners start thinking about beforehand. And once you begin expecting to feel anxious, it becomes much harder to relax.

This was one of the reasons I created our Intimacy Anxiety Self-Hypnosis MP3 for Couples. It is designed for couples to listen to together, helping both partners relax without placing the focus on performance or what is supposed to happen next.

But hypnosis is only one approach. Understanding why intimacy anxiety develops, talking about it and changing some of the patterns surrounding intimacy can all help.

What Is Intimacy Anxiety?

Intimacy anxiety is the worry, nervousness or tension that can arise around physical or emotional closeness with your partner. Sometimes it begins before anything has actually happened. You start anticipating the situation and wondering whether everything will be all right.

At other times, anxiety appears in the moment itself. Instead of enjoying being close to your partner, you become very aware of yourself. Am I relaxed enough? Is my partner enjoying this? What if something goes wrong? Why can't I just stop thinking about it?

The difficulty is that the harder you try not to think about these things, the more attention you give them. Something that should feel spontaneous can begin to feel like something you have to get right.

Why Does Anxiety Affect Intimacy?

Anxiety doesn't exist only in our thoughts. The body responds to it too. When we're worried, we become more alert. Our breathing can change, our muscles may tighten and we can find it much more difficult to relax and become absorbed in what we're experiencing. If this happens during intimacy, it's very easy to misinterpret it.

You might think you've lost attraction to your partner or that something must be wrong with your relationship when anxiety itself may be playing a significant part. I've seen how quickly couples can become caught in this pattern.

One difficult experience leads to worry about the next one. That worry creates tension, the tension makes another difficult experience more likely and before long you've created a cycle:

anticipation → worry → tension → disappointment → more worry next time.

Breaking that cycle often starts by removing some of the pressure surrounding intimacy.

Stop Treating Intimacy as Something You Have to Get Right

This is particularly important. When intimacy becomes something you feel you have to succeed at, you've immediately introduced pressure. Instead, try taking the goal away for a while.

Spend time being affectionate without deciding where it has to lead. Hold each other. Talk. Touch. Laugh together. Enjoy physical closeness without expecting anything else to happen.

For couples I've worked with, simply giving themselves permission to do this could be surprisingly helpful. You're allowing closeness to become enjoyable again rather than something either of you is quietly worrying about.

Talk About Intimacy Anxiety Rather Than Pretending It Isn't There

It can be tempting not to mention the problem because you don't want to hurt your partner.

Unfortunately, silence leaves an enormous amount of room for misunderstanding. One person may be thinking, I'm frightened this will happen again. Their partner may be thinking, They don't find me attractive anymore. Neither may be true, but unless you talk about it, you don't know what the other person is thinking.

Choose a neutral time to talk rather than waiting until you're in an intimate situation. Try to avoid blame and concentrate on what you can do together. Even saying something as simple as “I think we're both putting too much pressure on ourselves” can open the door to a much easier conversation.

This isn't one person's problem. If you're in a relationship, it is something you can approach together.

How to Stop Overthinking During Intimacy

Overthinking takes you away from what is happening now. You're remembering a previous experience or jumping ahead and imagining what might happen in the next few minutes.

When you notice yourself doing this, bring your attention back to something real and immediate.

Notice your breathing. Feel your partner close to you. Concentrate on touch, warmth and physical sensation rather than analysing how things are going.

You don't need to fight an anxious thought or tell yourself that you must relax. Notice the thought and then gently return your attention to the present. The less time you spend monitoring yourself, the more opportunity you give yourself to become involved in the experience itself.

Take the Pressure Off and Slow Things Down

If intimacy anxiety has been developing for a while, trying harder is rarely the answer.

Slow things down instead. This is especially important if one or both of you have started avoiding intimacy because you're worried about what might happen. Rather than trying to get straight back to where you were before the anxiety began, start rebuilding comfortable physical closeness.

There doesn't have to be an agenda. Positive experiences, however small, can gradually help weaken the association between intimacy and anxiety.

Can Self-Hypnosis Help with Intimacy Anxiety?

Because anxiety and anticipation can play such a large part in these difficulties, learning to relax can be very helpful. Self-hypnosis is one way of doing this.

In hypnosis, the body can become deeply relaxed while the mind becomes less caught up in conscious analysing and worrying. Positive suggestion and mental rehearsal can then be used to encourage a calmer response to situations that have previously triggered anxiety.

With our Intimacy Anxiety Self-Hypnosis MP3 for Couples, I deliberately designed the session to be listened to together. The emphasis isn't on performance. Instead, it encourages both partners to experience relaxation, trust, closeness and emotional connection together. I think that distinction is important. When anxiety is being caused partly by pressure, the last thing you need is another reason to feel that something has to happen. Sometimes the first goal should simply be learning to relax together again.

When Should You Get Help for Intimacy Anxiety?

There are times when intimacy difficulties need more than self-help. If anxiety is persistent, causing considerable distress or beginning to seriously affect your relationship, consider speaking to your GP or an appropriately qualified therapist. It's particularly important to seek professional advice if there is pain or another physical difficulty, if medication may be contributing to the problem, or if past experiences or trauma could be involved. There can be many reasons for difficulties with intimacy, and it isn't always possible to work out the cause by yourselves.

Finding Your Way Back to Feeling Close

Something I always tried to help couples understand was that an intimacy problem doesn't automatically mean there is a relationship problem. Sometimes two people who care deeply about each other simply become caught in an unhelpful cycle of worry, expectation and pressure.

If that sounds familiar, try not to make getting back to “normal” the immediate goal. Talk to each other. Take away some of the expectation. Allow yourselves to enjoy affection and closeness without deciding where it should lead. And above all, remember that you're on the same side.

When you stop treating intimacy as something that has to go perfectly and start seeing it as something you can rediscover together, you give relaxation, confidence and natural closeness the opportunity to return.