6 Ways to Bring the Spark Back to Your Relationship

Most relationships change with time.

The excitement of the early days gradually gives way to something more familiar. You know each other's routines, you've heard most of each other's stories, and everyday life has a habit of getting in the way.

That doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong.

But sometimes familiarity turns into distance. You still love each other, yet you seem to have become more like friends, housemates or co-parents than a couple. Conversations revolve around work, bills, children and what needs doing tomorrow. Affection becomes less frequent and intimacy can gradually disappear.

As a relationship counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 25 years' experience, I have worked with many couples who haven't stopped loving each other — they've simply stopped giving their relationship the attention it once received.

If that sounds familiar, it doesn't automatically mean the spark has gone for good.

Here are six ways to start finding each other again.

1. Stop Waiting to Feel Romantic

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is waiting for romance to happen spontaneously.

It certainly did at the beginning.

You didn't need to remind yourself to kiss your partner, arrange time together or send them a message just because you were thinking about them. You naturally wanted to.

Years later, life looks rather different. There may be jobs, children, ageing parents, financial pressures and a seemingly endless list of things requiring your attention.

Romance gets pushed further down the list.

The answer isn't necessarily a grand romantic weekend away. Start much smaller.

Kiss each other goodbye rather than simply calling see you later from another room. Sit together for ten minutes without your phones. Make your partner a cup of tea without being asked. Touch their arm as you walk past.

Small gestures can begin restoring a sense of being a couple, rather than simply two people running a household together.

2. Talk About Something Other Than Everyday Life

Think about your conversations over the past week.

How many were about something other than work, children, money, appointments, shopping or household jobs?

Couples can talk constantly without actually connecting.

Try asking questions you probably haven't asked for years.

What would you love us to do together that we've never done?

What's making you happiest at the moment?

Is there anything you miss about how we used to be?

If we could disappear somewhere for a weekend tomorrow, where would you choose?

You might think you already know everything about someone you've lived with for 10, 20 or 30 years.

You probably don't.

People continue changing throughout their lives. Rediscovering who your partner is now, rather than assuming they're exactly the person you married years ago, can bring back some of the curiosity that existed at the beginning.

3. Do Something New Together

There's a reason the beginning of a relationship can feel so exciting.

Much of it is new.

Your first meal together. Your first trip away. Meeting each other's friends. Discovering places together. Even ordinary experiences can feel different because you're sharing them with somebody new.

Long-term relationships naturally lose much of that novelty.

So create some.

You don't need to take up skydiving or book an expensive holiday. Try a restaurant neither of you has visited, walk somewhere new, cook something you've never made before, go to a comedy night, take a class together or simply get in the car and spend a day somewhere you've never been.

The activity itself matters less than breaking the routine.

New shared experiences give you something fresh to talk about and create memories that belong to the relationship you're living now, rather than leaving you to rely entirely on memories from years ago.

4. Bring Back Physical Affection Without Making It About Sex

When a couple's sex life has become less frequent, physical affection can sometimes disappear with it.

That's a shame, because the two don't have to be inseparable.

Holding hands, cuddling on the sofa, kissing properly rather than giving each other a quick peck, touching your partner as you pass them or putting an arm around them can all restore physical closeness without either person wondering whether it has to lead somewhere.

This is particularly important if intimacy has become difficult.

If every affectionate gesture is interpreted as an invitation to sex, the partner with less desire may start avoiding affection altogether because they don't want to create an expectation.

Take the pressure away.

Allow touching and affection to be enjoyable in their own right.

Quite often, emotional and physical closeness need to return before sexual intimacy begins to feel natural again.

5. Deal With the Resentment You've Been Avoiding

Sometimes the spark hasn't disappeared because you've become too comfortable.

It's buried underneath unresolved resentment.

Perhaps one of you feels taken for granted. Maybe arguments are never properly resolved. One partner feels they're carrying most of the responsibility at home, while the other feels constantly criticised. Perhaps something happened years ago that was supposedly forgiven but has never really been put to rest.

It's difficult to feel close to somebody when you're quietly angry with them.

Choose a calm time and talk about what has been building up — not in the middle of an argument and not with the intention of proving who's right.

Try to explain how you feel without immediately telling your partner everything they're doing wrong.

And listen to their answer.

You may discover that you've both been feeling disconnected for different reasons.

If you have reached the point where you know the relationship needs more than a few small changes, I have created the Reconnect with Your Partner – Expert Couples Repair Programme from my many years of relationship counselling experience. It includes an in-depth guide and practical worksheets covering communication, conflict, trust, intimacy and emotional connection, which couples can work through privately and at their own pace.

6. Start Treating Your Partner Like Someone You Still Want to Impress

This doesn't mean dressing up every evening or pretending you've just met.

It means remembering how differently we often behave at the beginning of a relationship.

We pay attention. We listen. We compliment the other person. We make an effort. We notice when they've had their hair cut. We say thank you. We look forward to seeing them.

Then familiarity arrives.

Unfortunately, the person we're closest to can sometimes receive the least considerate version of us.

We might be patient and cheerful with colleagues or strangers, then come home and barely look up when our partner speaks.

Try reversing that occasionally.

Notice something you appreciate about your partner and say it aloud.

Not just I love you. Tell them why.

Maybe they make you laugh. Perhaps they're brilliant with your children. Maybe they always know when something is bothering you, make fantastic Sunday lunches or supported you through one of the hardest periods of your life.

Feeling appreciated is powerful.

And appreciation tends to produce more warmth than criticism ever will.

Don't Try to Fix Everything in One Weekend

If you've been drifting apart for several years, you probably won't transform the relationship with one date night.

That's OK.

Choose one thing from this article and start there.

Perhaps you'll spend half an hour talking tonight without your phones. Maybe you'll arrange something different for the weekend. Perhaps you'll give your partner a proper kiss when they come through the door or finally have the conversation you've both been avoiding.

Small changes made consistently are usually more valuable than a dramatic burst of effort that disappears after a week.

And don't wait for your partner to make the first move.

One of you has to change the pattern first.

If you'd like some additional support, you can also explore my Relationship Help collection, with self-hypnosis recordings covering areas such as relationship insecurity, jealousy, intimacy anxiety and moving on after a relationship ends.

The Spark May Not Look the Way It Used To

There's another point worth remembering.

Trying to recreate exactly how your relationship felt when you first met may be unrealistic.

You've changed. Your partner has changed. Your lives have changed.

But different doesn't have to mean worse.

The excitement of a new relationship can develop into something deeper: knowing somebody extremely well and still choosing them, laughing about things nobody else would understand, having years of shared memories and feeling completely comfortable in each other's company.

The aim isn't necessarily to go backwards.

It's to stop taking what you have for granted and start creating the next version of your relationship together.