How to Stop Being Insecure in a Relationship
Updated: Sep 10
You love your partner. They haven't told you they want to leave. There may be no obvious reason to believe anything is wrong.
Yet somehow, you still don't feel completely secure.
A message takes longer than usual to arrive and you start wondering why. Your partner seems quieter one evening and you immediately question whether you've done something wrong. Perhaps you need regular reassurance that they still love you, still find you attractive or aren't losing interest.
And even when you receive that reassurance, the relief doesn't always last very long.
If this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing relationship insecurity.
I'm Sharon Shinwell, a UK clinical hypnotherapist, counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 25 years' professional experience. During my years working as a relationship counsellor, I saw how insecurity could affect relationships that were otherwise loving and supportive.
One of the frustrating things about relationship insecurity is that you can know logically that you're probably worrying unnecessarily and still find it very difficult to switch the worry off.
Understanding where those feelings come from is a good place to begin.
If you're wondering how to stop being insecure in a relationship, the answer usually isn't to keep asking your partner for reassurance or trying to force the worries out of your mind. It helps to understand what is driving the insecurity, recognise the thoughts and behaviours that keep it going, and gradually build a stronger sense of trust — both in your relationship and in yourself.
If insecurity and repeated worry are affecting your relationship, I've created an Insecurities in Relationships Self-Hypnosis MP3 to help you work on the underlying patterns of self-doubt, reassurance-seeking and anxious thinking that can make it difficult to feel secure.
Why Am I So Insecure in My Relationship?
Relationship insecurity is often less about what is happening right now and more about what you fear might happen.
You might worry that your partner will:
stop loving you
meet somebody they prefer
become bored with the relationship
find you less attractive
realise you're not good enough
leave you unexpectedly
When those fears become familiar, your mind can start looking for evidence that they're coming true.
A short reply to a message feels significant.
Your partner wanting an evening with friends feels threatening.
A change in their mood somehow feels as though it must be about you.
You aren't deliberately trying to create problems. Your mind is attempting to protect you from rejection or hurt by spotting danger early.
The difficulty is that it can start detecting danger where there may not actually be any.
Why Do I Feel Insecure Even When My Relationship Is Good?
This can be particularly confusing.
You may have a caring, trustworthy partner and a stable relationship, yet still worry that something will go wrong.
That's because feeling secure isn't determined entirely by how your partner behaves.
Previous experiences, self-esteem and beliefs about yourself can all affect how safe a relationship feels.
If somewhere underneath you believe:
I'm difficult to love.
I'm not attractive enough.
People eventually lose interest in me.
Someone better will come along.
then even a loving relationship may not completely silence those beliefs.
Your partner can provide reassurance, but they can't permanently change the way you see yourself.
That part has to come from you too.
Can Past Relationships Make You Insecure With a New Partner?
Absolutely.
If you've previously been cheated on, lied to, suddenly abandoned or repeatedly let down, you may become more alert to signs that it could happen again.
That doesn't mean you're consciously comparing your current partner with an ex.
Your reaction may simply have become:
I didn't see it coming last time, so I need to make sure I see it coming this time.
You watch more carefully.
You analyse changes in behaviour.
You become sensitive to anything that resembles what happened before.
This is understandable, but your current relationship can end up paying the price for something somebody else did.
It can help to ask yourself:
Is this about what my partner is doing now, or about what somebody else did before?
Sometimes the answer will be a little of both. But making the distinction can stop an old experience from automatically becoming evidence about a new relationship.
Why Do I Need Constant Reassurance From My Partner?
Reassurance feels good because it reduces uncertainty.
You ask:
Are we okay?
Your partner says:
Of course we are.
The anxiety settles.
But perhaps later that day, or the following morning, another doubt appears.
So you ask again.
This can gradually become a reassurance cycle:
worry → ask for reassurance → feel better → new doubt → ask again
The problem isn't that partners should never reassure one another. Reassurance and affection are perfectly normal parts of a relationship.
It becomes unhelpful when you need reassurance in order to feel safe and the effect lasts for only a short time.
Before asking, try pausing and asking yourself:
What am I hoping my partner will tell me, and can I tolerate not having that certainty right this second?
Even delaying the reassurance slightly can begin to change the pattern.
Why Do I Overthink Everything My Partner Says and Does?
When you're worried about a relationship, small details can start feeling extremely important.
Perhaps your partner normally ends a message with a kiss and today they didn't.
They sounded distracted on the telephone.
They went to bed earlier.
They haven't initiated affection as much this week.
Your mind notices the difference and immediately wants an explanation.
The trouble is that when you're already insecure, your explanation is unlikely to be neutral.
Instead of:
They're probably tired.
you may think:
They're losing interest in me.
Try separating what happened from what you've decided it means.
For example:
Fact: My partner has been quiet tonight.
Interpretation: They're unhappy with me and our relationship is in trouble.
Only the first statement is something you actually know.
That distinction sounds simple, but it can be extremely useful when overthinking takes over.
Why Do Delayed Messages Make Me So Anxious?
Mobile phones have made it possible to stay in almost constant contact, but they've also given anxious minds something new to monitor.
You send a message.
No reply.
You notice they've been online.
Still no reply.
Perhaps you check again ten minutes later.
Soon, you're not simply waiting for a message. You're trying to understand why they haven't replied.
There could be dozens of ordinary explanations, but insecurity tends to choose the one you fear most.
If you recognise this pattern, try resisting the urge to repeatedly check whether they're online or whether your message has been read.
Give the situation time to unfold before deciding what it means.
A delayed reply is information about a delayed reply.
It isn't automatically information about the state of your relationship.
Am I Not Good Enough for My Partner?
This question often sits underneath relationship insecurity.
Perhaps you compare your appearance with other people.
Maybe you think your partner is more successful, confident, sociable or attractive than you.
You may even wonder why they chose you.
But relationships aren't competitions in which two people need identical scores for attractiveness, confidence, income or social skills.
Your partner knows you.
They've experienced your personality, humour, affection, companionship and all the small things that make up a relationship.
If they've chosen to be with you, continually questioning their choice doesn't protect the relationship.
It can make it harder for you to enjoy it.
Instead of repeatedly asking “Am I good enough for them?”, try asking:
“What do I bring to this relationship?”
The answers may initially be harder to find if you've spent years concentrating on your perceived shortcomings.
Keep looking.
What's the Difference Between Relationship Insecurity and Jealousy?
They often overlap, but they aren't quite the same thing.
Relationship insecurity tends to centre on your own sense of safety and worth:
Am I good enough?
Do they still love me?
What if they leave?
Why would they want to stay with me?
Jealousy often has a more external focus:
Who is that person?
Why are they talking to them?
Are they attracted to somebody else?
Is someone going to take my place?
Someone can experience both, and insecurity can certainly fuel jealousy.
But recognising what's actually driving your reaction can help you decide what needs working on.
I've written separately about how to overcome jealousy and possessiveness if comparison, suspicion or fear of other people is the bigger issue for you.
How to Stop Being Insecure in a Relationship
Trying to force yourself to stop being insecure isn't particularly helpful.
Instead, work on the behaviours that keep insecurity going.
Stop treating every thought as evidence
Thinking they're losing interest doesn't mean they are.
Notice the thought before you respond to it.
Reduce repeated reassurance-seeking
Give yourself an opportunity to let some doubts settle without immediately asking your partner to remove them.
Keep your own life
Friendships, interests, hobbies and activities that don't depend on your relationship help maintain your sense of identity.
Notice your strengths
If you only ever think about what your partner brings to the relationship, you're seeing half of it.
Communicate rather than accuse
If something genuinely concerns you, talk about it calmly rather than beginning with the conclusion that something must be wrong.
Allow some uncertainty
No relationship comes with a guarantee.
Feeling more secure partly involves recognising that you don't need absolute certainty in order to be okay.
How Can I Stop Relying on My Partner for My Confidence?
Your partner can support you, encourage you and make you feel loved.
But they can't be responsible for your entire sense of self-worth.
If you only feel attractive when they compliment you, worthwhile when they're attentive or secure when they're reassuring you, your emotional state becomes very dependent on their behaviour.
Start noticing areas of your life where you feel capable independently of the relationship.
Perhaps you're a good friend.
You're good at your job.
You make people laugh.
You're thoughtful.
You've dealt with difficult situations.
You have skills, interests and experiences that are entirely your own.
The aim isn't to stop caring what your partner thinks.
It's to make their opinion part of your confidence rather than the sole source of it.
What If There Really Is Something Wrong in My Relationship?
This is important.
Not every uncomfortable feeling is insecurity.
If your partner has repeatedly lied, been unfaithful, behaved secretively, broken agreed boundaries or given you genuine reasons not to trust them, simply telling yourself to become less insecure isn't the answer.
There is a difference between anxiety creating a threat and your mind responding to a real problem.
Ask yourself:
What evidence do I actually have?
If there is a genuine issue, it needs discussing.
If trust has been seriously damaged, individual or couples counselling may be helpful.
Working on your own insecurity should never mean persuading yourself to accept behaviour that genuinely isn't acceptable to you.
Can Self-Hypnosis Help With Relationship Insecurity?
Self-hypnosis may help with relationship insecurity when overthinking, self-doubt, fear of rejection or a constant need for reassurance are contributing to the problem. By encouraging deep relaxation and focused mental rehearsal, hypnosis can help you practise responding to common relationship triggers with greater calm and less automatic anxiety.
Self-hypnosis can't guarantee what another person will do and it shouldn't be used to convince yourself that genuine relationship problems don't matter.
Where it may be helpful is in working with your own thoughts, emotional reactions and self-confidence.
In a relaxed and focused state, you can practise responding differently to situations that normally trigger insecurity.
That might mean imagining a delayed message without immediately assuming the worst, accepting affection without questioning whether it's genuine, feeling more comfortable when your partner spends time independently or recognising your own value within the relationship.
I created my Relationship Insecurity Self-Hypnosis MP3 specifically for people who find that overthinking, reassurance-seeking and fear of rejection are affecting how secure they feel with their partner.
The recording is designed to help you relax, reduce anxious overthinking and develop a calmer, more confident sense of yourself within your relationship.
You can read more about the Relationship Insecurity Self-Hypnosis MP3 here.
When Should I Get Help for Relationship Insecurity?
If insecurity is causing frequent arguments, affecting your everyday wellbeing or making it difficult to enjoy an otherwise healthy relationship, professional support may be worth considering.
Counselling or therapy can be particularly useful if your insecurity is connected with previous betrayal, difficult early experiences, low self-esteem or patterns that seem to repeat from one relationship to another.
Couples counselling can also help when both partners have become caught in a cycle of worry, reassurance, frustration and withdrawal.
And if your relationship involves intimidation, threats, coercion or controlling behaviour, that's different from ordinary relationship insecurity. Seek appropriate professional support and prioritise your safety.
Feeling Secure Doesn't Mean Never Worrying
A secure relationship doesn't mean you'll never wonder what your partner is thinking or occasionally worry about losing them.
It means those thoughts don't continually control what happens next.
You can notice uncertainty without immediately needing to eliminate it.
You can miss your partner without needing constant contact.
You can recognise that somebody else is attractive without deciding that makes you less valuable.
And you can love another person deeply without making them entirely responsible for whether you feel good enough.
If insecurity has been part of your relationships for a long time, change may be gradual.
Start by noticing the moments when fear takes over and asking yourself:
What do I actually know — and what am I afraid might be true?
That small distinction can be the beginning of a very different response.
If you'd like additional support working on overthinking, reassurance-seeking and relationship confidence, you can read more about my Relationship Insecurity Self-Hypnosis MP3.
If you've never experienced hypnosis before, you can also listen to my free 10-minute self-hypnosis taster on my About Sharon Shinwell page.
Frequently Asked Questions About Relationship Insecurity
Why am I so insecure in my relationship?
Relationship insecurity can develop from low self-esteem, previous betrayal or rejection, difficult past relationships, fear of abandonment or experiences within your current relationship. Sometimes several factors contribute.
How do I stop overthinking my relationship?
Start by noticing when you're treating a worry as though it were evidence. Before seeking reassurance or reacting, ask yourself what you actually know and what you're assuming. Giving anxious thoughts time to settle can help break the cycle.
Does asking for reassurance make relationship insecurity worse?
Reassurance can make you feel better temporarily, but repeatedly needing your partner to confirm that everything is all right can sometimes reinforce insecurity. Building greater confidence in your own ability to tolerate uncertainty can be more helpful over time.
Can hypnosis help with relationship insecurity?
Self-hypnosis may help when insecurity is being maintained by anxiety, overthinking, self-doubt or fear of rejection. It can support relaxation and help you mentally rehearse responding to relationship triggers more calmly, but it cannot resolve genuine problems within a relationship.
About Sharon Shinwell
Sharon Shinwell is a UK clinical hypnotherapist, counsellor, psychotherapist and clinical supervisor with more than 25 years' professional experience.
During her years working as a relationship counsellor, Sharon helped individuals and couples experiencing insecurity, trust difficulties, jealousy, communication problems and other relationship concerns.
Through Self Hypnosis UK, Sharon creates professionally guided self-hypnosis recordings designed to provide practical support that people can use privately and in their own time.
