How to Let Go of the Past and Move Forward
Sometimes the past doesn't feel like the past.
Something may have happened months or even years ago, yet you still find yourself replaying conversations, thinking about what you should have done differently or wondering how your life might have turned out if things had gone another way.
Perhaps you've been hurt by somebody and can't stop thinking about what happened. Maybe you regret a decision you made, feel angry about something that was done to you, or simply find yourself returning to a period of your life that you know you cannot change.
Wanting to let go doesn't necessarily make that easy.
I'm Sharon Shinwell, a UK clinical hypnotherapist, counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 25 years' professional experience. Over the years, I've worked with many people who felt emotionally tied to events that had happened long before. Often, they weren't choosing to dwell on the past. Their thoughts simply kept returning there.
Letting go isn't about pretending something didn't happen or deciding that it didn't matter. It's about reaching a point where the past no longer has to occupy so much of your present.
If you feel as though past experiences are still affecting the way you think or feel today, I've created a Letting Go of the Past & Moving Forward Self-Hypnosis MP3 + eBook to help you work on painful memories, regret and unresolved emotions, and begin focusing more fully on the life you're living now.
Why Is It So Hard to Let Go of the Past?
The mind naturally tries to make sense of important experiences.
If something was painful, embarrassing, unfair or unexpected, you may find yourself mentally returning to it in an attempt to understand what happened.
You might think:
Why did they do that?
Why didn't I see it coming?
What if I'd made a different decision?
Why did I allow that to happen?
The difficulty is that some questions don't have satisfactory answers. And even when they do, repeatedly asking them doesn't necessarily change how you feel.
Instead, thinking about the past can become a habit in itself. Something reminds you of what happened, the familiar thoughts begin, the emotions return, and suddenly an event from years ago feels remarkably close again.
Letting Go Doesn't Mean Forgetting
People sometimes resist the idea of letting go because it sounds as though they're being asked to erase what happened.
You don't have to forget.
Your experiences are part of your life, and some may always carry emotional significance.
Letting go means changing your relationship with the memory.
You can remember something without reliving it. You can acknowledge that somebody treated you badly without continuing to give that person space in your thoughts every day. You can regret a decision without repeatedly punishing yourself for making it.
The memory can remain while its emotional hold gradually becomes weaker.
1. Stop Trying to Rewrite What Cannot Be Changed
One of the most exhausting ways of thinking about the past is through if only.
If only I'd said something.
If only I'd left sooner.
If only I'd taken that opportunity.
If only I'd known then what I know now.
Looking back with today's knowledge can make yesterday's decisions seem obvious. But you didn't have today's experience when you made them.
Ask yourself a different question:
What can I do with what I know now?
That shifts your attention away from trying to change an impossible past and towards influencing a future that is still open to you.
2. Recognise the Difference Between Reflection and Rumination
Thinking about the past isn't always unhelpful.
Reflection can teach you something. You consider what happened, recognise what you might do differently and take that understanding forward.
Rumination is different.
The same thoughts circle repeatedly without producing anything new.
If you've thought about the same event hundreds of times and haven't reached a different conclusion, another hour spent analysing it is unlikely to provide the answer you've been waiting for.
When you notice the familiar mental replay beginning, try asking:
Is there something useful for me to learn from this right now, or am I simply going over it again?
That small distinction can be surprisingly powerful.
3. Allow Yourself to Feel What You Feel
Letting go isn't the same as forcing yourself to "get over it".
If you've experienced a significant loss, betrayal, disappointment or change, difficult emotions are understandable.
Trying desperately not to feel angry, sad or hurt can sometimes keep your attention fixed on those very feelings.
Instead, acknowledge them without allowing them to define everything else.
You can be disappointed about what happened and still enjoy today.
You can feel sadness about something you've lost while also creating something new.
Two things can be true at the same time.
4. Stop Waiting for Somebody Else to Give You Closure
Sometimes people remain emotionally attached to the past because they're waiting for something from another person.
An apology.
An explanation.
An admission that they were wrong.
An acknowledgement of the hurt they caused.
You may receive it. You may not.
If your ability to move forward depends entirely upon somebody else saying exactly what you need them to say, you're leaving an important part of your emotional wellbeing in their hands.
Closure doesn't always arrive as a conversation.
Sometimes it comes from accepting that you may never receive the explanation or apology you deserved — and deciding that you are going to move forward anyway.
5. Be Careful About Reopening the Same Wound
Modern life gives us countless opportunities to revisit the past.
Old photographs. Messages. Social media profiles. Emails. Places. Songs. Online searches.
Occasionally revisiting a memory is perfectly normal. Constantly exposing yourself to reminders that leave you distressed may be less helpful.
If checking somebody's social media profile leaves you upset every time, ask yourself what you're hoping to find.
If rereading old messages always ends with you feeling worse, consider whether you need to keep doing it.
You don't have to remove every reminder of your past. But you can choose not to repeatedly place yourself back inside it.
6. Forgive Yourself for What You Didn't Know Then
Sometimes the person we find hardest to forgive is ourselves.
You may feel embarrassed about something you did, angry that you stayed in a situation too long or frustrated that you ignored something which now seems obvious.
But people make decisions with the knowledge, confidence, circumstances and emotional resources available to them at the time.
That doesn't mean you have to approve of every past decision.
It means you can learn from it without turning it into a permanent judgement about who you are.
Try replacing:
"I can't believe I did that."
with:
"I wouldn't make that choice now."
The second statement recognises something important: you've changed.
7. Bring Your Attention Back to What Is Happening Now
The past can become particularly dominant when there isn't enough happening in the present to compete with it.
That doesn't mean keeping yourself frantically busy so you don't have time to think.
It means deliberately investing some of your attention in your life as it exists now.
Reconnect with people you enjoy being around. Return to interests you've neglected. Learn something. Make plans. Change a routine. Spend time somewhere different.
You don't need to reinvent your life overnight.
The more you begin creating new experiences, however, the less psychological space there is for old ones to occupy.
8. Decide What You Want to Take Forward
Even painful experiences can sometimes clarify what matters to us.
A difficult relationship may teach you what you won't accept again.
A missed opportunity may encourage you to take the next one.
A mistake may change the way you make decisions.
A painful period may reveal strengths you didn't realise you had.
Instead of asking only "What did this take from me?", you might also ask:
"What do I know now that I didn't know before?"
You cannot change the experience, but you can influence what happens because of it.
How to Stop Thinking About the Past
Trying to order yourself not to think about something rarely works.
Instead, notice when your attention has returned to the familiar story.
You don't need to argue with the thought or solve it again.
Acknowledge it:
There I go, back to that again.
Then deliberately redirect your attention towards what you're doing now.
At first, you may have to do this repeatedly. That's okay.
You're not trying to prevent every memory from appearing. You're practising not automatically following each memory into another long period of rumination.
Over time, that can change the pattern.
Can Self-Hypnosis Help You Let Go of the Past?
Hypnosis cannot erase memories, and I wouldn't suggest that it should.
Our experiences contribute to who we become.
What self-hypnosis can offer is a period of deep relaxation and focused attention in which you can begin working with the thoughts, feelings and habitual responses that have become attached to past experiences.
Rather than continually fighting the memory, the focus can shift towards acceptance, emotional distance and the possibility of moving forward.
I've created my Letting Go of the Past & Moving Forward Self-Hypnosis MP3 + eBook specifically for people who feel that old experiences, regrets or unresolved emotions are continuing to affect their present lives.
When the Past May Need Professional Support
Some experiences are difficult to move beyond without professional help.
If memories are causing significant distress, interfering with everyday life, producing flashbacks or nightmares, or are connected with trauma, abuse or another serious experience, consider speaking to your GP or an appropriately qualified mental health professional.
Self-help doesn't have to mean dealing with everything by yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why can't I let go of the past?
There can be many reasons. You may still be trying to understand what happened, wishing you had acted differently, waiting for closure or repeatedly encountering reminders. Sometimes thinking about the past simply becomes a well-established mental habit.
How do I stop thinking about something that happened years ago?
Rather than trying to force the memory away, notice when you've started replaying it and gently redirect your attention towards the present. It can also help to identify triggers that repeatedly draw you back into the same pattern of thinking.
Does letting go mean forgiving someone?
No. You don't have to forgive somebody or decide that what they did was acceptable in order to move forward. Letting go can simply mean choosing not to allow what happened to continue dominating your present life.
Can you really leave the past behind?
You can't erase your history, but your relationship with it can change. Memories that once produced a strong emotional reaction can become less dominant as you process what happened and build new experiences.
How long does it take to let go of the past?
There isn't a fixed timetable. It depends on what happened, how significantly it affected you and your individual circumstances. The aim isn't to rush yourself but to notice whether, gradually, the past is occupying less of your emotional life.
Moving Forward Doesn't Erase Where You've Been
You don't need to forget your past in order to have a future that feels different.
There may always be experiences you wish had happened differently. There may be people you wish had treated you better, decisions you would change if you could and periods of your life you wouldn't choose to repeat.
But they don't have to remain the centre of your story.
You can remember without constantly reliving.
You can learn without continually regretting.
And you can acknowledge where you've been while gradually turning your attention towards where you want to go next.
