Trying to Conceive: How to Cope With the Stress and Emotional Ups and Downs
Trying to conceive can begin with excitement and optimism.
But when pregnancy doesn't happen as quickly as you'd hoped, the experience can gradually start to feel very different.
You may find yourself thinking about dates, cycles and symptoms far more than you ever expected. Each month can bring a mixture of hope, anticipation and disappointment. Friends announce pregnancies. Someone asks an innocent question about when you're going to have children. You tell yourself not to think about it so much — while finding it increasingly difficult to think about anything else.
I'm Sharon Shinwell, a UK clinical hypnotherapist, counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 25 years' professional experience, and I think one of the difficulties with trying to conceive is that people can underestimate just how emotionally demanding the uncertainty can become.
You can't simply decide to stop caring about something that matters enormously to you.
What you can do is find ways to look after yourself emotionally while you're going through it.
If the process of trying to conceive is beginning to dominate your thoughts or leave you feeling tense and emotionally exhausted, I've created a Fertility Support Hypnosis MP3 specifically to provide relaxation and emotional support during this time. It isn't a fertility treatment and doesn't claim to increase the biological likelihood of conception.
Why Is Trying to Conceive So Stressful?
One of the hardest parts is uncertainty.
When you decide you want a baby, it's natural to want to know when it will happen.
But there may be no answer.
That can be particularly difficult if you're someone who normally copes by planning, organising and taking action.
You can make decisions about many areas of your life and see a fairly direct relationship between what you do and what happens next.
Trying to conceive doesn't always work like that.
You can do everything you believe you're supposed to do and still find yourself waiting.
That lack of control can become exhausting.
When Trying to Conceive Starts Taking Over Your Life
At first, you may simply be aware of your fertile window or when your next period is due.
Gradually, though, trying to conceive can begin occupying far more mental space.
You may find yourself:
constantly calculating dates;
analysing possible pregnancy symptoms;
repeatedly searching for information online;
comparing your experience with other people's;
thinking about pregnancy tests days before you can realistically take one;
feeling unable to plan ahead because you might be pregnant;
noticing babies and pregnant women everywhere;
becoming increasingly upset when your period arrives.
None of this means you're doing anything wrong.
It reflects how important the outcome has become to you.
But when almost every day is being organised mentally around conception, you may need some space from it.
Not because you should stop trying.
Because you still need a life while you're trying.
The Emotional Rollercoaster of Trying to Conceive
Trying for a baby can create a strange emotional cycle.
At the beginning of a new cycle you may feel hopeful.
Then comes anticipation.
You wait.
You notice every physical sensation.
Perhaps you begin wondering whether this month is different.
Then your period arrives.
There may be disappointment, sadness, anger or frustration.
And shortly afterwards, the process begins again.
Someone outside the experience may say:
“You can always try again next month.”
Logically, that may be true.
Emotionally, it can completely miss the point.
You weren't hoping for some future month.
You were hoping for this one.
You're allowed to acknowledge that disappointment rather than immediately forcing yourself to be positive.
Stop Telling Yourself You Shouldn't Be Stressed
One of the least helpful things you can do is become anxious about being anxious.
You may have heard comments such as:
“Just relax and it'll happen.”
Apart from being simplistic, comments like this can leave you feeling responsible for something that isn't under your complete control.
Now you aren't simply worried about conceiving.
You're worried that worrying about conceiving is somehow preventing you from conceiving.
That's an additional burden you don't need.
Fertility problems have many possible causes, and difficulties conceiving shouldn't simply be attributed to stress. The NHS recommends seeking medical advice if you have concerns about fertility rather than assuming you need to relax more.
Your emotional wellbeing still matters enormously — but because you matter, not because you need to achieve a perfect state of relaxation in order to become pregnant.
Give Yourself Permission to Have Difficult Feelings
You don't have to remain relentlessly optimistic.
You can be hopeful and frightened.
You can be happy for a pregnant friend and privately upset for yourself.
You can love somebody's new baby and find being around babies difficult at the moment.
Two apparently contradictory emotions can exist at the same time.
Sometimes people judge themselves very harshly for these reactions.
They think:
I should be happier for her.
I'm becoming bitter.
I'm a terrible person for feeling jealous.
Try replacing judgement with recognition.
This is difficult for me because it matters to me.
That doesn't make you unkind.
It makes you human.
Pregnancy Announcements Can Be Particularly Difficult
Few things illustrate the emotional complexity of trying to conceive better than somebody else's pregnancy announcement.
You may genuinely love the person and be delighted for them.
And then feel devastated.
You don't have to choose which emotion is the “real” one.
Both can be real.
If pregnancy announcements, baby showers or conversations about children are becoming difficult, it's reasonable to protect yourself occasionally.
You don't have to attend every event.
You don't have to remain in every conversation.
And you don't owe everyone a detailed explanation.
Be Careful With Online Searching
The internet can be enormously useful when you're looking for reliable information.
It can also become a source of endless reassurance seeking.
You notice something unusual.
You search:
Is this an early pregnancy symptom?
One article says perhaps.
Another says no.
A forum contains somebody who experienced exactly the same thing and was pregnant.
Another person experienced it and wasn't.
So you keep searching.
Twenty minutes later, you have more information but no more certainty.
If you recognise this pattern, consider setting some boundaries around searching.
Decide which reliable sources you'll use and when you'll look at them.
More information doesn't always create more reassurance.
Sometimes it simply creates more questions.
The Two-Week Wait
The period between ovulation and when you can reliably find out whether you're pregnant can feel extraordinarily long when you're trying to conceive.
Your attention may become focused on your body.
Was that a cramp?
Do your breasts feel different?
Are you more tired?
Is that significant?
The difficulty is that monitoring your body doesn't make the answer arrive any sooner.
Try to keep ordinary life moving during this period.
Plan things.
See people.
Work.
Exercise if that's appropriate for you.
Watch something you enjoy.
Go somewhere.
You aren't trying to pretend that you don't care.
You're reminding yourself that waiting doesn't have to be the only thing you're doing.
Try Not to Put Your Life Completely on Hold
It's easy to begin living in a hypothetical future.
We won't book that holiday because I might be pregnant.
I won't apply for that job because what if I'm expecting?
We'll do that once we've had a baby.
Sometimes practical considerations genuinely matter.
But if you've been trying to conceive for some time, repeatedly postponing your life can make the waiting feel even bigger.
Ask yourself:
If I knew I wasn't going to become pregnant this particular month, what would I still want to do?
There may be things you can continue enjoying, planning or working towards now.
Trying to Conceive Can Affect Your Relationship
Sex can change when you're trying for a baby.
Something that was previously spontaneous and intimate can become scheduled around fertile days.
One partner may feel pressure to perform.
The other may feel that they're carrying most of the mental load.
You may respond differently to disappointment.
One of you wants to talk.
The other wants to move on.
Neither response necessarily means one person cares more than the other.
Try to preserve parts of your relationship that have nothing to do with conception.
Go out together.
Talk about something else.
Be affectionate without every intimate moment needing to have a reproductive purpose.
You were a couple before you started trying for a baby.
That relationship still needs some space.
Talk About What You Need From Each Other
Don't assume your partner automatically knows how to support you.
You might want to talk about every stage of the process.
Your partner might believe they're helping by remaining positive and saying:
“It'll happen.”
Perhaps that's exactly what you need to hear.
Perhaps it makes you want to scream.
Tell each other.
Sometimes support means listening rather than solving.
You might say:
“I don't need you to fix this. I just need you to understand that I'm disappointed.”
That can be far easier for both of you than expecting your partner to guess the correct response.
Set Boundaries Around Other People's Questions
People can ask surprisingly personal questions about having children.
When are you two going to have a baby?
Are you trying?
Don't leave it too late.
Often they have no idea what may be happening privately.
You don't have to disclose your fertility journey simply because somebody asks.
Prepare a response if it makes these situations easier.
Something as simple as:
“We'll let you know if there's ever anything to tell.”
Then change the subject.
You are entitled to privacy.
Make Space for Things That Have Nothing to Do With Fertility
When something becomes emotionally important, the mind naturally gives it more attention.
That's why deliberately maintaining other parts of your identity can be useful.
You're not only somebody trying to conceive.
You're also a partner, friend, colleague, sibling or daughter.
You have interests.
You have plans.
You have things that make you laugh.
You have parts of your life that existed before this process began.
Give those things some attention too.
This isn't about distracting yourself from reality.
It's about not allowing one uncertain part of your life to swallow everything else.
Find Ways to Calm Your Body
When you're emotionally stretched, your body may spend a great deal of time feeling tense.
You might notice tight shoulders, shallow breathing, difficulty switching off or a constant sense of being on edge.
Simple relaxation can help you step away from that state for a while.
You could try:
slow, comfortable breathing;
walking;
gentle exercise appropriate for you;
meditation;
progressive muscle relaxation;
listening to calming music;
self-hypnosis.
These aren't fertility treatments.
They're ways of taking care of yourself while you're experiencing something stressful.
That distinction matters.
Can Meditation or Self-Hypnosis Help When Trying to Conceive?
Meditation and self-hypnosis can provide time away from the constant thinking, planning and monitoring that sometimes accompany trying to conceive.
With self-hypnosis, the purpose is to enter a relaxed, focused state in which you can direct attention towards calming and constructive suggestions.
You remain aware and in control.
For someone trying to conceive, I think the most appropriate aim is emotional support.
Relaxation.
Managing anxiety.
Stepping back from obsessive monitoring.
Being kinder to yourself.
Coping with uncertainty.
I would not use hypnosis to promise pregnancy or claim that relaxing will somehow correct a medical fertility problem.
My Fertility Support Hypnosis MP3
I created my Fertility Support Hypnosis MP3 for people who want some additional emotional support while trying to conceive.
The recording is designed to provide a period in which you can step away from the pressure, settle your mind and focus on relaxation and emotional wellbeing.
It does not diagnose or treat infertility, and it isn't intended to replace medical advice, fertility investigations or treatment.
I think that's an important boundary.
You shouldn't feel that becoming sufficiently relaxed is another task you must accomplish in order to become pregnant.
Use the recording because taking care of your emotional wellbeing is worthwhile in its own right.
When Should You Seek Fertility Advice?
If you've been trying to conceive and are concerned about your fertility, speak to your GP rather than assuming that stress is the explanation.
In the UK, the NHS generally advises seeing your GP if you haven't conceived after a year of regular unprotected sex. It also advises seeking help sooner in some circumstances, including if you're aged 36 or over or already have another reason to be concerned about fertility.
Your GP can discuss your circumstances and whether investigations or referral may be appropriate.
The NHS provides further information about fertility problems and when to seek help:
When the Emotional Strain Is Becoming Too Much
Trying to conceive can have a significant emotional impact, particularly when the process continues for longer than expected or fertility treatment becomes involved.
You don't have to wait until you're at breaking point before asking for support.
Speak to your GP or another appropriate healthcare professional if anxiety, low mood or distress is becoming difficult to manage.
Counselling can also provide somewhere to talk openly about feelings you may not feel comfortable sharing elsewhere.
If you're undergoing fertility treatment, ask your clinic what emotional or counselling support is available.
Frequently Asked Questions About Trying to Conceive
Is it normal to feel stressed when trying to conceive?
Yes. Trying to conceive can involve considerable uncertainty, anticipation and disappointment, particularly when it takes longer than expected. If the emotional impact is becoming difficult to manage, however, it's worth seeking support.
Can stress stop me getting pregnant?
Fertility is complicated and difficulties conceiving shouldn't simply be blamed on stress. If you're concerned about your fertility, seek medical advice rather than assuming that your emotional state is preventing pregnancy.
How can I stop thinking about getting pregnant all the time?
Trying to force yourself not to think about pregnancy may make the subject even more prominent. Instead, consider putting boundaries around activities such as symptom checking and online searching while deliberately continuing with other areas of your life.
How do I cope when my period arrives?
Allow yourself to acknowledge the disappointment. You don't have to immediately turn it into positivity. Give yourself some time, talk to someone you trust if that helps, and remember that being upset doesn't mean you're coping badly.
Is it normal to feel jealous of pregnant friends?
Difficult emotions can arise when somebody else has something you desperately want. You can be genuinely happy for another person while also feeling sadness about your own circumstances. Try not to judge yourself for having both reactions.
Can hypnosis increase fertility?
I wouldn't make that claim. Hypnosis shouldn't be presented as a treatment for infertility or a way to guarantee pregnancy. I use it in this context for relaxation and emotional support while trying to conceive.
You Are More Than This Month's Result
Trying to conceive can make life feel as though it's being divided into cycles.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Testing.
Disappointment.
Starting again.
When that happens month after month, it's understandable that the process can begin to occupy more of your emotional world.
You don't need to stop wanting a baby in order to look after yourself.
You don't need to pretend you're not disappointed.
And you don't need to become perfectly calm to prove you're doing everything correctly.
Continue seeking appropriate medical advice when you need it.
Continue talking to the people who support you.
Continue making room for the rest of your life.
And while you're waiting for an answer you can't completely control, remember that your emotional wellbeing deserves care too.
Sharon ShinwellUK Clinical Hypnotherapist, Counsellor & PsychotherapistCreator of Self Hypnosis UK
